Today.

So strange! Some days, for most of the time, I feel completely normal. Just going about my day, doing dishes, cleaning the bathrooms, making food. And then out of no where it hits me. Fatigue so intense I feel like I am comatose, can't wake myself up for anything. And it's not one of those things that happens everyday around 3pm. It just attacks. 10am, 7pm, noon, anytime. And there is no defense for it.

The other super strange thing is, sometimes I will be so nauseated I can't even think about eating, and other times I am ravenous. Like last night, I had dinner with the kids at 5:30pm. Cheesy spaghetti and garlic bread, pretty filling. Then Luke comes home at 8pm and starts eating dinner. His food smells so good, I start wanting some. I brush it off because I know I don't need it. An hour later I am starving, and craving salty. So I make some simple nachos (chips, cheese, mild sauce, sour cream) which I just knew was a mistake. I should've just gone to sleep, but alas it wasn't one of those times where I was dead on my feet and desperate to find a bed. So I ate my nachos thinking they would make me sooo sick and I would've learned a lesson. No way. They totally hit the spot. I didn't feel sick last night, or overfull, and I felt fine this morning too. Goes against everything I thought I knew. Pregnancy is so weird. Makes you doubt everything.

I am determined to gain little to no weight at all this pregnancy. And before you get all preachy, hear me out. I am in the obese range for BMI. Makes me sick to just say it. But according to that I would be fine to just maintain and in reality losing my weight and gaining baby weight. It's pretty easy for me to not gain a ton of weight. The most weight I gained during a pregnancy was with Emma 40 lbs. I started at 200, delivered at 240. I lost most of that. When I got pregnant the 2nd time, with Lilah I was at 215. I gained 25 pounds with Lilah delivering at 240 once again. I got down to 225 in the 8 months before I got pregnant with William. And I gained 25 lbs with that pregnancy, delivering at 250. Problem was, after he was born, instead of losing, I just gained another 16 pounds topping out at 266. Since then I have lost 30 pounds and gained back 3. I am starting out this pregnancy at 239. About the weight I was when I delivered Emma and Lilah. That scares me. I don't want to come out of this close to 300. I just can't. The difference this time is that I am a much healthier person this time around. It sounds weird to say that especially when I am at my heaviest, as far as pregnancy goes, but I am juicing everyday. I get veggies in my body everyday. I have at least one salad a week sometimes 2 or 3. Which is more than I have ever had in my life. I am still exercising just about every morning. Luke and I try our best to motivate each other, but sometimes sleep just seems more important. It shakes out to 5 days a week. I always do at least 30 minutes. I was running, but then I felt like I should stop. Just an impression I got, so I am still walking, fast and slowly. I feel better going into this pregnancy than I ever have any other one. *Hopefully* that's a good sign. I am no taking advantage of those extra 300 calories. I am still eating smaller portions, less sugars, more fruits and vegetables. Trying to get more nuts and seeds and proteins as well. So I have really high hopes for myself. But, and this is a big BUT, I will not starve myself. I will eat when I feel hungry and try to make the best choices I can at the time. I know I will get to a point where walking won't be a possibility, but I will still continue to stretch and lift some light weights, and I will still be walking for as long as I can.

And probably the best thing I can do for myself, and my family and my baby, is what I have already done. For once in my life, I have completely turned my life over to the Lord. I am opening myself up to the spirit as completely as I know how. Which when I am pregnant, is usually the first thing I let go of. I excuse it. I'm too sick to do anything, even read my scriptures. I strive to do it everyday and pour my heart out to my Father in Heaven. I know he hears me. I know he loves me and is aware of my struggles. I know he will comfort me and lead me in the right direction. All I have to do is ask and listen.