Loss.

More months have passed. More trying. 1 success. I knew I was pregnant. Even before all the symptoms started showing up. I knew the moment of conception. TMI? Ah well. That's how sure I was. 2.5 weeks late. September 13th. Officially 6.5 weeks pregnant. Until I wasn't.

The bleeding and cramping began. This was no normal menstrual cycle. The cramps didn't even feel like normal menstrual cramps, which for me, after 4 kids, feel like labor pains every month. But even labor pains have their purpose. They hurt like hell, but you know your body is working to get that baby out into the world. That's the consolation prize for all the pain and suffering. This was not that. This physical pain felt like something was literally tearing itself away from my body. With more evidence than I could handle every time I used the restroom.

Emotionally I am. I don't necessarily feel like I lost a child. There is still a baby that needs to come to our family. I feel like for whatever reason this happened, it was meant to be this way. I feel peace. I also feel immense frustration. That it took two years to get pregnant and it just wouldn't stick. I don't think I can wait another two years. Out of the handful of people that knew, they said I was handling things very well. Part of me is still waiting to see if I will fall into a downward spiral, while desperately trying to avoid just that.

Luke is struggling with this way more than I thought he would. He is also frustrated and extremely stressed out which is triggering depression. That's not a normal reaction for him. It's really hard to rattle my husband, but this has done it. How do I help him be okay when I'm not sure what it takes? For him, for me, for anyone.

I was determined to go to church on Sunday. It had been weeks and lots of reasons since we had gone and I needed to be there. Not for emotional support, but to just be there. To partake of the sacrament and just be. Grace had woken up very early and so on our 8:30am drive to the church building, she fell asleep. I pulled her out once we'd arrived and she instantly rested her sweet head on my shoulder for sleepy snuggles. I was able to hold her like this for more than 30 minutes. I smelled her hair and touched her face and felt her breathing against me. She was so soft and so warm and I felt such a sense of pride that this extremely cautious 2 year old would put so much trust in me to hold her while she slept. That I was worthy of her trust and her love. I looked down the bench at my amazing husband trying to quietly referee three kids determined to get snacks and coloring and church books, and I was so grateful. Of all the things I have been blessed with, my incredible family will always be number one on my list. I was able to see the collateral beauty.

I am blessed but not yet complete. So I keep waiting and praying and really trying hard to be patient when it's definitely not my forte.

I feel empty. And determined. And grateful. And sad and blessed.