A penny for your thoughts...

So I decided that instead of having a really long 4 month rambling post that details my thoughts that no one knows about a pregnancy that no one is aware of...I thought I would just add them to this blog. Good plan eh?

So here's where my head is at. Freaking out. I have prayed and cried and pleaded with the Lord to send me my baby boy. And when that didn't work, I decided to change my attitude. To accept His will. He knows when the best time for this baby to come is. He knows when it'll be the best time for our family. And, He may have been trying to teach me greater patience and faith. Which I now realize wasn't just for general growth. It's because I would need those two things desperately throughout the coming months.

I am crazy worried about money. If you've ever struggled with money problems, like not having enough, then that sentence is all I need to say. You get it. If you haven't had that particular problem, it won't matter what I say, you still won't understand. So I'll leave it at that.

Also, in the worry department, the last time I was pregnant (3.5 years ago) Luke ended up taking a semester off, and lots of time of work because I was either in so much pain I couldn't take care of myself or the girls, or I just wasn't dealing mentally and emotionally. Which lead to even worse money issues and a very worn out husband. This time, we can't afford a school set back or a financial one, so I am basically on my own. That scares me so much.

Freakout reason #3...thank you Genesis. I have been brushing up on my Old Testament lately and am still in Genesis. The day after I found out I was pregnant, I was reading kind of a skeezy chapter about a girl who slept with her father in law, yikes guys. Biblical times = some wah-eird stuff! Basically I am skimming because I wanna just get through the awkward begat stuff, and then I read 38:27 "And it came to pass in the time of her travail, that, behold, twins were in her womb." What are the odds right? I looked up "twins" in the topical guide, and it said there was literally only one other mention of twins in all of the scriptures, and it was a few chapters ago in Genesis. Let me just say this, I would actually prefer twins. We feel like there are two more, including this one. But twins would allow me to get them both out with one awful pregnancy. But just the thought of carrying two babies, delivering, the cost of double the diapers, having no sleep- ever again...pretty much makes me cry every time I think about it. So I don't. I push it aside and I will find out if I'm renting a double or a single in the next few months.

Bottom line is, I am pretty stressed out. I am starting to get nauseated, which is earlier than usual. And I have these moments of, "What in the world was I thinking? I can't do this again!" Then I calm myself down and realize, oh, I wasn't thinking logically about this. I was trying to trust in the Lord. That's big. Because HF doesn't make mistakes. So if I am following his plan for me, how could it not turn out perfectly in the end.  :)