28 weeks, finally.

From week 27 to week 28 felt like an eternity.

Somewhere in there I went to labor & delivery, again. I came home seriously bent. I told Luke I was not going back again until it was baby time for real. I woke up one morning with some serious pelvic pressure. Totally used to that feeling, just not until like week 36, right. Called into my clinic, they said it's one of those symptoms you should never ignore, and scheduled me an appointment for 3pm. By noon it was bad. Lots of pain and so much pressure I thought baby was going to fall out. I called back and they told me to go directly to the hospital. I couldn't find anyone to watch my kids. I was hurting and called everyone I could coherently think of, and no one was answering. Probably cause it was me. So I called Luke and he came home from work early. Which meant $100 gone, cause that's not stressful at all. So off I went to the hospital, by myself. Luke was really upset that he couldn't go with me, that made me feel a little better. After a couple of hours and a seriously invasive test with a speculum and everything, they said that I had some bacteria in my urine and it was *probably* a UTI. No preterm labor, which is good.Yay. Not really.

So I got home and Luke took all the babies to the store to get my prescriptions (antibiotic and an oral pill for the yeast infection that will inevitably follow the antibiotic). And there all the kids hatched plans to escape him and drive the car home themselves. I guess waiting in Wal-mart for an hour was not their idea of a good time. He came home pretty frazzled. I took the pill which immediately made me nauseated. But the next morning the pressure was gone. Who knew that was a symptom of a UTI, not this girl.

My neighbors and ward family have been very sweet. Brought me dinner, had my kids over for a play date, and just checking up on me. On Sunday morning while Luke bathed the kids, I showered too. And I got out feeling ok. Usually I feel like passing out after showering. So we thought we would take advantage of all the clean people, and me feeling okay, and go to church for the first time in weeks. It felt so good to be there. It wasn't like a spiritual high, but just knowing we were where we needed to be, felt nice. Lots of discomfort and after sitting for 3 hours, my belly was in so much pain. I wanted to scream and find a spot on the floor to lay down on. But I waited for the last 10 minutes for RS to end and then went home to find my couch. It was good to go, but not something I think my body could handle every week.

Also, my sweet friend Linda who cuts hair at the MTC took pity on me and came to give me a haircut. She knew I couldn't afford to go to a salon right now and so she did it for free. I haven't had a haircut in 2 years. Luke gets haircuts every 2 months. I justify that because he has to look semi professional for his job and not having gross hair is part of that. But me, I am at home all day, there is no one I need to impress. So I don't because we can't afford it. Pity story over. So Linda cut my hair and did an amazing job. 7.5 inches gone! I felt light. Like a physical and emotional weight had been lifted. I can't even tell you how much I appreciate her right now!

When Luke got home yesterday we ate some dinner and took our kids out to enjoy the beautiful weather at the park. Between his school and me hurting so much, it really doesn't happen enough. We all had a good time. After the kids were in bed, Luke was meant to do homework. But he could tell I had a seriously dark cloud hovering around me. He tried to coax it out of me, but I didn't want to talk and take up his time. So he finally sat on the couch and said he wasn't doing any homework until I told him what was wrong. I said that was a low blow. And immature. And stinky. And then we both laughed. And I started to cry. It all spilled out. All of my fears and worries. I went on and on about how I felt unworthy. That no matter how much I did or accomplished, it still wasn't enough. I cried because I don't want other people to do things for me, and because I don't want to be on government assistance. I want to be able to handle things on my own. But at the same time, I'm so grateful that people are willing to help us. There's never enough money or time to go around. We are trying so hard to make a better life for ourselves. Paying off debt, trying hard to live within our means and Luke bettering his career and education. I just feel like no matter how hard we work, it's just not enough. That it will never be enough. He just held me while I bawled and tried to say hopeful comforting things.

I still feel the same this morning. Dark cloud. Incredibly worried. When is bedrest coming? How will we handle that? Crap, we have a bunch of newborn diapers but no size 1's. They switch over so quickly it seems, how could I have forgotten about that. Luke needs new jeans for work because no one will take him seriously if he's wearing jeans with holes in the knees. So so so glad he isn't required to wear suits. I need to wash my hair but I really don't give a crap. My family is so unhealthy right now. Lots of sugar. I should be juicing but I just can't find the motivation. Maybe that's why we are always so sick. People probably think 'Why are they having a 4th baby when they can't afford it?' We're just trying to do what the Lord wants us to. Which is so hard to explain sometimes when people don't get it. I wish that I had problem free pregnancies. This is my crazy thought process in all of 2 minutes.

Hopefully week 28-29 will be better. Just trying to take it a day at a time. Even if the only thing I do today is tell my husband and kids that I love them. That would be good enough. Right?