Realizations

So Will had been super cranky for a week or so, and we couldn't figure out what was eating him. Everything was off, eating, sleeping, you name it. He just didn't want to do anything. Then Luke hit the nail on the head. We had been running a bunch of errands lately, and going on drives and had two family dinners, and had barely been at home. William is a child who thrives on a routine. Change that routine, and you will see his ugly side. And I am talking UGLY. He will want you to feed him 2 or 3 ounces every two hours. He will sleep for 45 minutes 5 times a day. It gets to the point where the little 6 month old baby is more annoying than his 2 year old or 4.5 year old sisters. That's sad. He normally has such a sunny little temperament, always smiling and giggling. He just wants to be fed and be allowed to sleep, wrapped up, in the same bed at the same exact times everyday. I can almost hear him pleading with me, "Is that so much to ask mom?" Not really. If we are at home all day, and I'm not sick, I can knock out a routine for 3 kids and one mom, no problem. But, therein lies the problem. I do get sick, probably more than most, and especially during pregnancy. And I literally cannot spend every waking minute at home. Luke and I could definitely trade off so I could get out once in awhile, and we do, but we need to get out and do things as a family too.

Here are where the realizations come into play. I have realized that I do have to stay home 6 days out of 7. If I want the happiest baby possible, that is what I have to do, and so I am willing to do it. Doesn't make it any easier though, never interacting with adults. What about playgroups you may say, well, Will has the morning nap, Lilah early afternoon, and Will again in the early evening. So basically SOMEONE is napping from 9am to 5pm, with maybe an hour in between. That's not even enough time to even hit up the grocery store. Then it's dinner and bedtime at 7 and 8pm. So unless someone wants to have a play date at 7am or 6pm for half an hour, then I am pretty much SOL. I have come to terms with this, but like I said, doesn't get any easier. I have also come to the realization that friendships are kind of irrational right now. I have my old friends who are all at different stages in life and all busy with their own families that we see each other maybe once or twice a year. And then I try to make friends in my ward, but most of the permanent people aren't really interested because they know I will just leave eventually. And it seems like as soon as I make friends with the women who live in the apartments, they always end up moving 6 months later. So hard. And with another pregnancy, I will become even more home bound.

Really what gets me through this, is that scripture in Eccl. "To everything there is a season..." There WILL be a time in my life where I get to form lasting friendships with my neighbors because we'll be in a house, and more permanent. There WILL be a time in my life where I will not just be feeding, diapering and putting babies to bed nonstop. There WILL be a time in my life for friends, and parties, for dates with Luke, and temple dates, and lots of service, traveling, time for cooking without tiny children underfoot, and time for helping others through their constant feeding and diapering days. But, that time is not now. Right now my time is much better spent making PB&J sandwiches cut on the diagonal, buying princess bandaids and putting them on each and every booboo, endlessly cleaning up toys and giving baths to kids who always get dirty again :) I may not love every minute of it, but I cherish every second. They grow so fast and I am terrified I won't remember any of it. That is one of the biggest reasons I keep a journal, and blog, and write in journals for my children, and scrapbook and take tons of pictures that don't make it into the books.We make keepsake boxes and write cards and letters to each other. So even if I can't recall things in detail. The memories with be there in word, or pictures, and I will be able to remember again.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven." I will get there. I will have time for myself eventually. But until then, all I can do is perservere and have patience.