So, it's been a very long time since I aired my personal feelings to anyone. So here goes. Much has changed. We are not having another baby. This may or may not be a surprise to you that we were thinking about it, very seriously. And I have gone through my own personal hell trying to figure out what would be best for our family. There are many many reasons why. Such as, I think it would destroy our marriage. It would destroy me personally, I would probably end up committing suicide. Even if we came through it, the kids we already have would maybe not even like me, and Emma would definitely remember how awful it was. Also, I don't know that I can take care of another child's emotional, physical and spiritual well being. I feel like with Emma, Lilah and Will, I am barely treading water. Plus, I have three wonderful children already, I don't need anymore.
There are so many things I lost in this process of having children. My waistline, better eating habits, self esteem, exercise, confidence, friends, and most alarmingly, my testimony. I no longer know that the gospel is true. I remember feeling like I knew at one point, but its been so long that I don't remember why. A testimony is a fragile thing. You have to constantly nurture it, and help it grow, or else it slowly goes away. Like a marriage. And I suppose I have chosen to keep my marriage and family, often times hanging on by a thread instead of my testimony of the gospel. The good news is, I can always get it back. If I want. That is the problem I am currently facing, I have no desire for spiritual things. I actually don't think I was ever truly converted. There have been a lot of times in my life when I wish that I hadn't grown up in the church. That I could've found it on my own, and earnestly searched for the truth myself. Instead of having it always be there, and never having to question its validity. Anyway, it is something that I want to work on, I don't know when, perhaps when this really bad bout of depression passes, and I feel like I can breathe again.
That's another thing. I am all of the sudden so depressed. I was having a tough time before our Disneyland trip, and am having an even tougher time after, and I don't really know why. Some things that I think are contributing:
Luke going to school. It is always so freaking hard to have him gone so much. I often wish that we could be like other couples or families that have help with school from parents, or who just go to school and don't have to work. But, we have 3 kids. And it's important to Luke and I that I am at home with the children. There are two days a week where we don't see him at all. He goes straight from school to work. That is so hard, especially for the kids. And every time they ask where daddy is or say how much they miss him, it reminds me how much I miss him. If you have gone through this, you know how hard it is.
Tiny apartment. We stay inside most of the time due to nap schedules, eating schedules and just the fact that if I take all three kids to the playground, they all head in different directions, and I am just one me. Aside from the fact that getting all those kids inside after playing is an absolute disaster. They just won't come.
Yelling at my kids. I find that I am constantly aggravated. Emma taking something from Lilah - who lets out a high pitched scream, that either makes brother cry or wakes him up from his nap. Then I yell. Either at a particular offender or just crying out in frustration. This cycle repeats, on average, 60 times a day. I hate yelling at my kids. It makes me feeling like the worst mother/person in the whole world. Frustrating, as it is, low blood sugar probably contributes. I never eat breakfast anymore. The mornings are so busy that I usually have time to eat around 11am, and by then I just figure I'll wait until lunch. But by then my blood sugar is so low that I am in a very bad mood, even if I don't realize it yet. hard. Yet another thing I am trying to work on.
Have you ever had depression? What was it like for you? Did you want others to bring you messages of hope? Or did you just want blatant understanding? A listening ear? Someone to hold your hand? Luke does all of that for me, and most of the time he knows what out of those 3 things I need at what time. He is subtle. He gives me hope by making me laugh, and then I realize I still CAN laugh. Often times he just holds me and encourages me to cry. So what do I do when he can't be around? Who do I turn to? I know the obvious answer is the Savior. But he and I aren't so tight lately. It's all my fault and I know I am the one who has to mend the fence, but until then, what do I do? I blog. I put my feelings down on electronic paper. They feel simpler when I can read through them and they aren't all jumbled up in my head.
So that's where I am at. Don't feel sorry for me. I do that enough. Things will get better as they always do.
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