Drowning.

This is how I feel. Raw. Like someone scraped everything good out of me and only the ugly horrifying parts are left. Maybe if one more thing goes wrong, I might literally tear in half. I have cried aloud for some kind of divine intervention. I begged with tears streaming down my face for God to help me change, to show me that there is still good inside of me somewhere. So far, I haven't heard back.

 I have been angry for the past week. Red faced, teeth clenched, and figurative steam pouring from my ears, all the time. I don't even think it goes away completely when I sleep. I have a small mountain of ideas that I have tried and have failed. The best thing that has happened is that I have been able to start to figure out one of the causes. My kids. Not all of it, but a big portion. I'm not blaming them, they are so small. They don't know what they are doing, and they require so much time and energy physically and perhaps even more emotionally. They are children, doing what children do. Making messes everywhere, getting into things they shouldn't, talking back (yes, even at 5 and 2.5 they talk back) not listening - EVER, all of the sibling fighting, crying and crying for cookies and things that I won't let them eat all the time, yelling and screaming. But the thing that is the hardest for me is trying to keep to very active little girls quiet for 5 hours out of the day while brother takes his naps. If he doesn't get enough sleep he gets so onery, which makes me even more angry, and I end up taking it out on them. I should be thrilled that they are imagining and being creative in their play, but in a tiny apartment, they get so loud and eventually wake him up. And then I yell. I yell and I scream and I make them feel bad. Just in case anyone actually reads this, I NEVER Ever hurt my children. We tried spanking a few years ago, but we realized that that doesn't actually work at all. And I am very careful not to name call. We don't let our kids say things like dumb or stupid or jerk, so I don't do it either - I don't want that crap stuck in their head for the rest of their lives. Mostly I just yell and cry about how they never listen and why are they not being nice to each other and screaming at them to pick up their toys. But it makes them feel awful and they hide from me later because they don't want to make me mad. Are you crying right now, because I am. I feel like a horrible person and a terrible mother.

Sometimes I wonder if I could leave - no strings attached, would I? I might. But the problem is, I would surely die without my kids and my husband. Life would not be worth living. Luke and I hadn't been out without the kids in 4 months, and within 15 minutes of dropping our kids off, I told him that a date is nice, but it feels unnatural to be without our children. I miss them too much. So how come I can't stand them on a day to day basis? I am just so incredibly overwhelmed all of the time. I don't know how to lessen it, or fix it. And I feel as though I am drowning.

My depression has been intense lately, which I am sure affects everything as well. I thought about going back to see a therapist and perhaps get some clarity on life. But I can't imagine a lot of soul searching would take place with 3 kids tearing apart the doctor's office twice a week.  Most people have the best of intentions, but the only person I feel like I can actually call on whenever I need anything, is usually unavailable. Some days I just don't want to do this anymore.

I don't know if I will post this, but I am sure if I do, there will be a gigantic wave of judgement along with it. I know other people must feel this way, but I don't ever hear about it. Is it a handful of pills calling my name or a handful of cookies? I will probably stick with the cookies, but eventually, they will kill me just the same.