So I am having a little bit of a breakdown right now. And since I can't really talk to Luke because he's so overwhelmed, I guess I'll have to put it down here.

I'm sick and always in pain. When I get so stressed like this I start having contractions until I can calm myself down and then they'll go away. I am so nauseated all the time and no food sounds good so I have kind of stopped eating. I eat just barely enough to survive and I'm losing weight.

I'm meant to be on bed rest, but I still have to drive Emma & Lilah to and from school. I still have to make lunch and dinner for everyone even if it's as simple as pb&j or snacks. I still have to get out of bed to do it. I still have to break up arguments and turn on shows. I help find toys and dry tears and try desperately not to feel so guilty that my kids are completely bored and I can't really do anything to help them have fun. The kitchen floor desperately needs to be swept and the carpets need to be vacuumed. I managed to get the laundry done a few days ago but almost passed out after. Luke will do the dishes every couple of days so I don't have to really worry about that unless we're out of cups or knives.

I shower once a week. It's gotten to the point where I can only do it if Luke is home so that if I feel like falling over, he can help me get out of the shower and get dressed. Not really a situation where you'd want outside help.

Currently the relief society is bringing in a meal on Tuesdays. It's nice because they ask what we want and it's always something we'll actually eat. And then Luke gets to take the leftovers to work for the rest of the week. Also, there are a few people that stop by and text me to make sure I am okay. They always ask if there is anything they can do, and I never have an answer for that.

Luke keeps telling me that his family is the most important thing, which I have no doubt about. But then I ask about work and he tells me he has a massive project due by the end of the month that he hasn't started yet because he has to do two other projects that are due before that. He still has classes to go to and tons of homework to do and finals to study for. He tells me to call if I need him and he'll come right home. I can't do that when clearly he needs to be at work to get his projects finished. And I can't say anything at night because then he won't do his homework.

My pride won't allow me to ask for more help from the ward. I cannot beg someone to sweep my floor. I would rather have it be dirty or hurt myself trying to do it. It would be different if someone said, "Arika I am coming over to sweep your floor tomorrow, when is a good time?"

So even though theoretically I can ask, I feel like I can't. I feel like I'm on my own. Drive myself to appointments and hope that I don't feel like passing out that day. My birthday is coming and I am unable to go anywhere or do anything. Luke will probably work the whole day because he has to and I will lay in my bed and stare out the window. Probably no one will come over or say anything. I may get a text or two and some facebook 'Happy Birthday' pity messages.

I don't know how to get through the next 7 weeks by myself. I guess I'll just do it.