I only have 4 weeks left. 30 days. A month, what is that? Like nothing right? And somehow it seems like I may as well have all 9 months left. Yikes. About once a day I will have a pretty serious moment where I think, "HOLY CRAP! How on earth am I going to get through these last few weeks with my mind still intact?!!!" Usually I just say that to Luke. Partly because I don't want to bug anyone else with my complaining, and partly because he contributed to the issue at hand and is required to listen. And even if he wasn't, he still would. Because he loves me. So anytime I frantically throw that question his way, he will either just listen and say nicely, "I know it feels long, but it's really so short and I will be here to help you through anything you need." Or he'll say very matter of factly, "We just will. We will because we have to." Neither response makes me feel any better. But both remind me that I'm loved and not in this totally alone.
Luke has 1 more night to finish up a research paper and then has one more class on Thursday and then he'll be officially done for the semester. Bad news, he failed one class. It couldn't be helped and I'm not okay with it, but I'm okay with it. Good news, he will pass his remaining 4 classes and seriously scrape by with C-'s in all of them. Wow. Massively close calls. As long as they are passed, we don't care! Best news: since his Fall financial aid has been awarded and accepted, and his class schedule for Fall is completely registered for, we don't have to think at all about school until August at the earliest!!!!
In some ways it's been the hardest pregnancy ever, and in others, its been quite easy. I have learned a few things though to keep in mind for the next go around (uhhh!).
1. Absolutely the most important thing to remember is, weeks 30-39 are the worst. Depression sets in hard, nausea returns, ligament pains, can't walk, horrible horrible hip pains, can't breathe, can't sleep. Remember that when you're barfing in the first trimester - this is cake, just wait until later.
2. Make sure to schedule EVERYTHING (other than OB visits, of course) before that 30 week deadline. Kids doctor appts, dentist appts, fun things with hubby or friends, get it all out of the way. Plan to do nothing after then. If it involves sitting on your butt or laying uncomfortably on your sides, then it's okay. Movies at home, yes. Out to dinner with friends, no. Eating chocolate, big time yes. Planning to finish your scrapbook, no!
3. Don't become reclusive. Reach out to friends even if they don't reach out to you. Its so hard when all you want to do is complain and be grumpy, cause no one wants to hear that. So that's usually what I do. I sequester myself away from the world. But it doesn't help me. Sometimes when I am feeling really aggravated, Luke will ask me what I want to eat or what I want to do and the answer will always be, "I just want to go to the hospital and have a baby. Right now." I have a bad case of the grumps. Also known as, Get This Baby Outta Me Nooooowww syndrome.
That's about all I can think of.
Also, total weight gain 14 pounds.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Lately.
We officially have 5 weeks left. 37 days until the induction. Can't come soon enough. Good news is, we've fixed some problems that were causing Luke and I to stress and me then having contractions. No good.
Awesome improvements for the next few weeks:
1. Luke is taking Emma & Lilah to school.
2. I am still picking up Lilah, but it's only two days a week and I really enjoy the fresh air since it's the only time I really get out of the house.
3. My visiting teacher Lisa, is picking up Emma from school. From now until school is out. We may toss in another person and they'll alternate weeks.
4. Luke has been making Emma's lunch for the last few months because I am basically useless in the morning and trying so hard not to throw up. But now he's started making sandwiches for Lilah and Will at the same time and just putting them in a tupperware in the fridge. It sounds small and simple, but it makes the biggest difference to me!
5. The Relief Society is bringing in a meal every Tuesday until baby day. And on Monday 5 of my favorite ladies came over and made me a bunch of freezer meals that we can just pull out of the freezer and put in the oven or toss in the slow cooker. Stuff that's easy for Luke to do. Because I basically haven't cooked anything in weeks. We've been surviving on boxed mac and cheese, snacks and cup of noodles. And we made a big batch of Neiman Marcus cookie dough and froze that in little balls as well for later :)
6. Luke talked to his boss and basically explained that he can't work 50+ hours a week plus finish school, do homework, take finals and have a wife on bedrest. They were super understanding when he said he would do his best and be in and out for the next few weeks and be working at home some too. They took away one of his biggest projects to allow for some breathing room and when he came home I saw some genuine relief from him. He still has PLENTY to do, but now he feels like he'll actually be able to accomplish it all.
My last big outing. My niece Hazel was getting baptized this last Saturday and the kids were so excited to go! I knew Luke couldn't handle all 3 of them by himself, so I went too. Even showered and put on make-up for the first time in who knows how long. Made him take a picture.
He thought it would be super funny to stand on a hill and hold the camera up high. It looks like he's shooting from a tree. Sadly, I only made it through the actual baptism. We had to go home after that so I could lay down. The kids were bummed about missing lunch, but then Luke took them to family dinner the next day so it all shook out.
So those are the super happy things that have made my life so much easier and my stress so much less. Plus Luke only has 11 days of school left! Hallelujah! We are both struggling and muddling through it, but pass or fail, it'll all be over in a week and a half.
Now onto the hard stuff. The being 34 weeks pregnant and unable to move properly kinda stuff. There's the not sleeping because I have to roll over every hour because my hips hurt and wake me up, and the peeing 5 or 6 times a night.
I may or may not have preeclampsia. Who really knows at this point. My blood pressure is low like 100/65. I have NO swelling at all in my hands, feet or face. But, I do have some protein in my urine and headaches strong enough to lay ya flat, and those fuzzy visions things called floaters because of the headaches, and crazy amounts of nausea. So it could be developing preeclampsia, or just weirdness that comes with the territory. They took some blood for testing and will continue to monitor my pee & blood pressure at each appointment and we'll just hafta see. One of my midwives told me to take extra strength tylenol, a sudafed, and drink a redbull and that should cut the headache. So not comfortable drinking a redbull and would never ever do that while I'm pregnant! Different strokes for different folks I guess. The point was caffeine. The only thing I like with caffeine is Sunkist. I'm a rebel, I know. So I have been guzzling that and eating chocolate and taking tylenol and it does help the headaches. But they always come right back and I inevitably have to do it all again.
I am still struggling with eating mostly because of the nausea. Pretty much anything I can keep down at this point. Some days I just have a couple of biscuits with butter for dinner, or some cheese and crackers. I have currently gained 12 pounds.
I lay down most of the day which hurts my hips and back. I LOVE LOVE LOVE laying flat on my back but I never dare do it for more than a minute or two because I feel like I'm killing my baby. I told Luke that maybe I wouldn't mind a c-section because then I would get to lay on my back for awhile!
I have gotten to the almost passing out when I shower stage. Not so fun. But since I am down to once a week now, Luke said, "Hey, you only have to do it 5 maybe 6 more times!" Always trying to look on the bright side. Oi with the poodles already!
Depression is currently manageable thanks to upping my dose. I am slowly getting things checked off my list. The "Things to do before baby gets here' list. Luke is helping a lot.
So that's about all for this week.
Awesome improvements for the next few weeks:
1. Luke is taking Emma & Lilah to school.
2. I am still picking up Lilah, but it's only two days a week and I really enjoy the fresh air since it's the only time I really get out of the house.
3. My visiting teacher Lisa, is picking up Emma from school. From now until school is out. We may toss in another person and they'll alternate weeks.
4. Luke has been making Emma's lunch for the last few months because I am basically useless in the morning and trying so hard not to throw up. But now he's started making sandwiches for Lilah and Will at the same time and just putting them in a tupperware in the fridge. It sounds small and simple, but it makes the biggest difference to me!
5. The Relief Society is bringing in a meal every Tuesday until baby day. And on Monday 5 of my favorite ladies came over and made me a bunch of freezer meals that we can just pull out of the freezer and put in the oven or toss in the slow cooker. Stuff that's easy for Luke to do. Because I basically haven't cooked anything in weeks. We've been surviving on boxed mac and cheese, snacks and cup of noodles. And we made a big batch of Neiman Marcus cookie dough and froze that in little balls as well for later :)
6. Luke talked to his boss and basically explained that he can't work 50+ hours a week plus finish school, do homework, take finals and have a wife on bedrest. They were super understanding when he said he would do his best and be in and out for the next few weeks and be working at home some too. They took away one of his biggest projects to allow for some breathing room and when he came home I saw some genuine relief from him. He still has PLENTY to do, but now he feels like he'll actually be able to accomplish it all.
My last big outing. My niece Hazel was getting baptized this last Saturday and the kids were so excited to go! I knew Luke couldn't handle all 3 of them by himself, so I went too. Even showered and put on make-up for the first time in who knows how long. Made him take a picture.
So those are the super happy things that have made my life so much easier and my stress so much less. Plus Luke only has 11 days of school left! Hallelujah! We are both struggling and muddling through it, but pass or fail, it'll all be over in a week and a half.
Now onto the hard stuff. The being 34 weeks pregnant and unable to move properly kinda stuff. There's the not sleeping because I have to roll over every hour because my hips hurt and wake me up, and the peeing 5 or 6 times a night.
I may or may not have preeclampsia. Who really knows at this point. My blood pressure is low like 100/65. I have NO swelling at all in my hands, feet or face. But, I do have some protein in my urine and headaches strong enough to lay ya flat, and those fuzzy visions things called floaters because of the headaches, and crazy amounts of nausea. So it could be developing preeclampsia, or just weirdness that comes with the territory. They took some blood for testing and will continue to monitor my pee & blood pressure at each appointment and we'll just hafta see. One of my midwives told me to take extra strength tylenol, a sudafed, and drink a redbull and that should cut the headache. So not comfortable drinking a redbull and would never ever do that while I'm pregnant! Different strokes for different folks I guess. The point was caffeine. The only thing I like with caffeine is Sunkist. I'm a rebel, I know. So I have been guzzling that and eating chocolate and taking tylenol and it does help the headaches. But they always come right back and I inevitably have to do it all again.
I am still struggling with eating mostly because of the nausea. Pretty much anything I can keep down at this point. Some days I just have a couple of biscuits with butter for dinner, or some cheese and crackers. I have currently gained 12 pounds.
I lay down most of the day which hurts my hips and back. I LOVE LOVE LOVE laying flat on my back but I never dare do it for more than a minute or two because I feel like I'm killing my baby. I told Luke that maybe I wouldn't mind a c-section because then I would get to lay on my back for awhile!
I have gotten to the almost passing out when I shower stage. Not so fun. But since I am down to once a week now, Luke said, "Hey, you only have to do it 5 maybe 6 more times!" Always trying to look on the bright side. Oi with the poodles already!
Depression is currently manageable thanks to upping my dose. I am slowly getting things checked off my list. The "Things to do before baby gets here' list. Luke is helping a lot.
So that's about all for this week.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
So I am having a little bit of a breakdown right now. And since I can't really talk to Luke because he's so overwhelmed, I guess I'll have to put it down here.
I'm sick and always in pain. When I get so stressed like this I start having contractions until I can calm myself down and then they'll go away. I am so nauseated all the time and no food sounds good so I have kind of stopped eating. I eat just barely enough to survive and I'm losing weight.
I'm meant to be on bed rest, but I still have to drive Emma & Lilah to and from school. I still have to make lunch and dinner for everyone even if it's as simple as pb&j or snacks. I still have to get out of bed to do it. I still have to break up arguments and turn on shows. I help find toys and dry tears and try desperately not to feel so guilty that my kids are completely bored and I can't really do anything to help them have fun. The kitchen floor desperately needs to be swept and the carpets need to be vacuumed. I managed to get the laundry done a few days ago but almost passed out after. Luke will do the dishes every couple of days so I don't have to really worry about that unless we're out of cups or knives.
I shower once a week. It's gotten to the point where I can only do it if Luke is home so that if I feel like falling over, he can help me get out of the shower and get dressed. Not really a situation where you'd want outside help.
Currently the relief society is bringing in a meal on Tuesdays. It's nice because they ask what we want and it's always something we'll actually eat. And then Luke gets to take the leftovers to work for the rest of the week. Also, there are a few people that stop by and text me to make sure I am okay. They always ask if there is anything they can do, and I never have an answer for that.
Luke keeps telling me that his family is the most important thing, which I have no doubt about. But then I ask about work and he tells me he has a massive project due by the end of the month that he hasn't started yet because he has to do two other projects that are due before that. He still has classes to go to and tons of homework to do and finals to study for. He tells me to call if I need him and he'll come right home. I can't do that when clearly he needs to be at work to get his projects finished. And I can't say anything at night because then he won't do his homework.
My pride won't allow me to ask for more help from the ward. I cannot beg someone to sweep my floor. I would rather have it be dirty or hurt myself trying to do it. It would be different if someone said, "Arika I am coming over to sweep your floor tomorrow, when is a good time?"
So even though theoretically I can ask, I feel like I can't. I feel like I'm on my own. Drive myself to appointments and hope that I don't feel like passing out that day. My birthday is coming and I am unable to go anywhere or do anything. Luke will probably work the whole day because he has to and I will lay in my bed and stare out the window. Probably no one will come over or say anything. I may get a text or two and some facebook 'Happy Birthday' pity messages.
I don't know how to get through the next 7 weeks by myself. I guess I'll just do it.
I'm sick and always in pain. When I get so stressed like this I start having contractions until I can calm myself down and then they'll go away. I am so nauseated all the time and no food sounds good so I have kind of stopped eating. I eat just barely enough to survive and I'm losing weight.
I'm meant to be on bed rest, but I still have to drive Emma & Lilah to and from school. I still have to make lunch and dinner for everyone even if it's as simple as pb&j or snacks. I still have to get out of bed to do it. I still have to break up arguments and turn on shows. I help find toys and dry tears and try desperately not to feel so guilty that my kids are completely bored and I can't really do anything to help them have fun. The kitchen floor desperately needs to be swept and the carpets need to be vacuumed. I managed to get the laundry done a few days ago but almost passed out after. Luke will do the dishes every couple of days so I don't have to really worry about that unless we're out of cups or knives.
I shower once a week. It's gotten to the point where I can only do it if Luke is home so that if I feel like falling over, he can help me get out of the shower and get dressed. Not really a situation where you'd want outside help.
Currently the relief society is bringing in a meal on Tuesdays. It's nice because they ask what we want and it's always something we'll actually eat. And then Luke gets to take the leftovers to work for the rest of the week. Also, there are a few people that stop by and text me to make sure I am okay. They always ask if there is anything they can do, and I never have an answer for that.
Luke keeps telling me that his family is the most important thing, which I have no doubt about. But then I ask about work and he tells me he has a massive project due by the end of the month that he hasn't started yet because he has to do two other projects that are due before that. He still has classes to go to and tons of homework to do and finals to study for. He tells me to call if I need him and he'll come right home. I can't do that when clearly he needs to be at work to get his projects finished. And I can't say anything at night because then he won't do his homework.
My pride won't allow me to ask for more help from the ward. I cannot beg someone to sweep my floor. I would rather have it be dirty or hurt myself trying to do it. It would be different if someone said, "Arika I am coming over to sweep your floor tomorrow, when is a good time?"
So even though theoretically I can ask, I feel like I can't. I feel like I'm on my own. Drive myself to appointments and hope that I don't feel like passing out that day. My birthday is coming and I am unable to go anywhere or do anything. Luke will probably work the whole day because he has to and I will lay in my bed and stare out the window. Probably no one will come over or say anything. I may get a text or two and some facebook 'Happy Birthday' pity messages.
I don't know how to get through the next 7 weeks by myself. I guess I'll just do it.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
The date is set!!!
I got to pick my induction date a few days ago! It definitely helped out my funk a little to know there is an ending in sight and a plan set. Officially I will be 39 weeks on May 27th. But, the hated midwife is on call that day, and there's no way I want her. On the 28th, there is a midwife that I like so so that day, but it's Emma's dance festival. And while I would be just fine having a baby and watching it on camera (it's just one year right?), I would feel really bad if no one were there to support her. Because Luke would be with me, and I would never ask someone to take Will and Lilah, entertain them and get me a good video of Emma shakin her booty. Its just too much! So Thursday was kinda out too. But luckily, one of my favorite midwives is on call on Friday. She is newer to this practice, so I haven't seen her with my other babies, but I have seen her the most this pregnancy and I just love her.
So YAY! Baby's birthday will be Friday, May 29, 2015!
Some people think that I am crazy for planning so much, and I know something random could always happen...but pending something way out of the ordinary, I know my body. I know how things will go down. My labor literally never progresses unless my water has broken. I could be pumped full of pitocin and nothing happens until those waters flow. And my water has never broken spontaneously because it's thick. Like leather. They really have to work that crochet hook. Nice mental image huh? :)
I am desperately trying to get all appointments for the entire family cleared up now so that we don't HAVE to go anywhere until like August. I mean other than my biweekly and then weekly appointments. I hate those. But I also love them so I know baby is okay.
Lots of pain yesterday and contractions for a few hours last night. Feeling really rough this morning.
31 weeks now, still feels like forever to go. My mantra is: we just have to make it through April.
So YAY! Baby's birthday will be Friday, May 29, 2015!
Some people think that I am crazy for planning so much, and I know something random could always happen...but pending something way out of the ordinary, I know my body. I know how things will go down. My labor literally never progresses unless my water has broken. I could be pumped full of pitocin and nothing happens until those waters flow. And my water has never broken spontaneously because it's thick. Like leather. They really have to work that crochet hook. Nice mental image huh? :)
I am desperately trying to get all appointments for the entire family cleared up now so that we don't HAVE to go anywhere until like August. I mean other than my biweekly and then weekly appointments. I hate those. But I also love them so I know baby is okay.
Lots of pain yesterday and contractions for a few hours last night. Feeling really rough this morning.
31 weeks now, still feels like forever to go. My mantra is: we just have to make it through April.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Single Digits.
I have done it! I've crossed over into single digits! Hallelujah. I never thought it would come. The kids and I made a countdown today and decorated all the numbers. There are 63. That seems like a lot. But really, just two months. I am trying my very hardest to hang in there. Some days are better than others.
Even though I am 30 weeks, I am still measuring big last week I was at 32 weeks. My midwife said it's because baby is breech right now. She also said don't stress about it unless she hasn't moved by 36 weeks. So I'm not. Whatever. If I end up having to have a c-section, it is what it is. It was the way it was meant to be and I can't change it. What matters most is that in 9 weeks, I won't be pregnant anymore! I will be able to eat healthy things again. I will be able to walk without my insides killing me. I CANNOT WAIT!!!
It'll happen. Trying for patience.
Even though I am 30 weeks, I am still measuring big last week I was at 32 weeks. My midwife said it's because baby is breech right now. She also said don't stress about it unless she hasn't moved by 36 weeks. So I'm not. Whatever. If I end up having to have a c-section, it is what it is. It was the way it was meant to be and I can't change it. What matters most is that in 9 weeks, I won't be pregnant anymore! I will be able to eat healthy things again. I will be able to walk without my insides killing me. I CANNOT WAIT!!!
It'll happen. Trying for patience.
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Third Trimester.
I can't ever remember if the 3rd trimester starts at 28 weeks or 29...either way, I'm there.
Yeah, that week didn't go by any quicker. I think I'm treading into awful pregnancy territory. Not that the nausea, pain and doctor's visits have been a treat. It's more like the end of pregnancy where you're just done. With everything. The pain. The constant bathroom trips. Feeling light-headed every single time you get up. Still only being able to eat carbs. No sleeping. So hard to breathe. ETC.
Two days ago I must've gotten a fresh dose of pregnancy hormones. In all of 2 hours, I was angry, turned on, crying, frustrated, happy, and exhausted. Plus I got a batch of new zits on my face. That's always fun. My depression has gotten 10X worse which is always thanks to hormones. I feel like blowing off all of my commitments this week. And I just might. All I really want to do is find a rock to hide under and not tell anyone where I'm at. Sad huh?
As of today, I have gained 9 pounds. Still, not bad at all. But it seems like every time I see that scale increase, I die a little. I don't want to be gaining weight. I worked so hard to lose those 30 pounds and I don't want them back. I don't wanna start from square one just because I had a baby. And I know most women lose 15-20 pounds in the first week after baby is born, but even if I lose it that fast, my heart would break if I ever saw a number in the 260s again.The reasonable voice in my head is saying, "It's okay. It's all worth it for that baby girl, and you'll get back on top of things this summer. You have a plan." But the fat girl inside of me is screaming, "Don't make me lose those pounds all over again! Also, give me a cookie."
Uhhhhhhhhhh.
Can you tell I'm down? Life seems bleak.
Only 10 weeks left. Hopefully I can make it until then.
Yeah, that week didn't go by any quicker. I think I'm treading into awful pregnancy territory. Not that the nausea, pain and doctor's visits have been a treat. It's more like the end of pregnancy where you're just done. With everything. The pain. The constant bathroom trips. Feeling light-headed every single time you get up. Still only being able to eat carbs. No sleeping. So hard to breathe. ETC.
Two days ago I must've gotten a fresh dose of pregnancy hormones. In all of 2 hours, I was angry, turned on, crying, frustrated, happy, and exhausted. Plus I got a batch of new zits on my face. That's always fun. My depression has gotten 10X worse which is always thanks to hormones. I feel like blowing off all of my commitments this week. And I just might. All I really want to do is find a rock to hide under and not tell anyone where I'm at. Sad huh?
As of today, I have gained 9 pounds. Still, not bad at all. But it seems like every time I see that scale increase, I die a little. I don't want to be gaining weight. I worked so hard to lose those 30 pounds and I don't want them back. I don't wanna start from square one just because I had a baby. And I know most women lose 15-20 pounds in the first week after baby is born, but even if I lose it that fast, my heart would break if I ever saw a number in the 260s again.The reasonable voice in my head is saying, "It's okay. It's all worth it for that baby girl, and you'll get back on top of things this summer. You have a plan." But the fat girl inside of me is screaming, "Don't make me lose those pounds all over again! Also, give me a cookie."
Uhhhhhhhhhh.
Can you tell I'm down? Life seems bleak.
Only 10 weeks left. Hopefully I can make it until then.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
28 weeks, finally.
From week 27 to week 28 felt like an eternity.
Somewhere in there I went to labor & delivery, again. I came home seriously bent. I told Luke I was not going back again until it was baby time for real. I woke up one morning with some serious pelvic pressure. Totally used to that feeling, just not until like week 36, right. Called into my clinic, they said it's one of those symptoms you should never ignore, and scheduled me an appointment for 3pm. By noon it was bad. Lots of pain and so much pressure I thought baby was going to fall out. I called back and they told me to go directly to the hospital. I couldn't find anyone to watch my kids. I was hurting and called everyone I could coherently think of, and no one was answering. Probably cause it was me. So I called Luke and he came home from work early. Which meant $100 gone, cause that's not stressful at all. So off I went to the hospital, by myself. Luke was really upset that he couldn't go with me, that made me feel a little better. After a couple of hours and a seriously invasive test with a speculum and everything, they said that I had some bacteria in my urine and it was *probably* a UTI. No preterm labor, which is good.Yay. Not really.
So I got home and Luke took all the babies to the store to get my prescriptions (antibiotic and an oral pill for the yeast infection that will inevitably follow the antibiotic). And there all the kids hatched plans to escape him and drive the car home themselves. I guess waiting in Wal-mart for an hour was not their idea of a good time. He came home pretty frazzled. I took the pill which immediately made me nauseated. But the next morning the pressure was gone. Who knew that was a symptom of a UTI, not this girl.
My neighbors and ward family have been very sweet. Brought me dinner, had my kids over for a play date, and just checking up on me. On Sunday morning while Luke bathed the kids, I showered too. And I got out feeling ok. Usually I feel like passing out after showering. So we thought we would take advantage of all the clean people, and me feeling okay, and go to church for the first time in weeks. It felt so good to be there. It wasn't like a spiritual high, but just knowing we were where we needed to be, felt nice. Lots of discomfort and after sitting for 3 hours, my belly was in so much pain. I wanted to scream and find a spot on the floor to lay down on. But I waited for the last 10 minutes for RS to end and then went home to find my couch. It was good to go, but not something I think my body could handle every week.
Also, my sweet friend Linda who cuts hair at the MTC took pity on me and came to give me a haircut. She knew I couldn't afford to go to a salon right now and so she did it for free. I haven't had a haircut in 2 years. Luke gets haircuts every 2 months. I justify that because he has to look semi professional for his job and not having gross hair is part of that. But me, I am at home all day, there is no one I need to impress. So I don't because we can't afford it. Pity story over. So Linda cut my hair and did an amazing job. 7.5 inches gone! I felt light. Like a physical and emotional weight had been lifted. I can't even tell you how much I appreciate her right now!
When Luke got home yesterday we ate some dinner and took our kids out to enjoy the beautiful weather at the park. Between his school and me hurting so much, it really doesn't happen enough. We all had a good time. After the kids were in bed, Luke was meant to do homework. But he could tell I had a seriously dark cloud hovering around me. He tried to coax it out of me, but I didn't want to talk and take up his time. So he finally sat on the couch and said he wasn't doing any homework until I told him what was wrong. I said that was a low blow. And immature. And stinky. And then we both laughed. And I started to cry. It all spilled out. All of my fears and worries. I went on and on about how I felt unworthy. That no matter how much I did or accomplished, it still wasn't enough. I cried because I don't want other people to do things for me, and because I don't want to be on government assistance. I want to be able to handle things on my own. But at the same time, I'm so grateful that people are willing to help us. There's never enough money or time to go around. We are trying so hard to make a better life for ourselves. Paying off debt, trying hard to live within our means and Luke bettering his career and education. I just feel like no matter how hard we work, it's just not enough. That it will never be enough. He just held me while I bawled and tried to say hopeful comforting things.
I still feel the same this morning. Dark cloud. Incredibly worried. When is bedrest coming? How will we handle that? Crap, we have a bunch of newborn diapers but no size 1's. They switch over so quickly it seems, how could I have forgotten about that. Luke needs new jeans for work because no one will take him seriously if he's wearing jeans with holes in the knees. So so so glad he isn't required to wear suits. I need to wash my hair but I really don't give a crap. My family is so unhealthy right now. Lots of sugar. I should be juicing but I just can't find the motivation. Maybe that's why we are always so sick. People probably think 'Why are they having a 4th baby when they can't afford it?' We're just trying to do what the Lord wants us to. Which is so hard to explain sometimes when people don't get it. I wish that I had problem free pregnancies. This is my crazy thought process in all of 2 minutes.
Hopefully week 28-29 will be better. Just trying to take it a day at a time. Even if the only thing I do today is tell my husband and kids that I love them. That would be good enough. Right?
Somewhere in there I went to labor & delivery, again. I came home seriously bent. I told Luke I was not going back again until it was baby time for real. I woke up one morning with some serious pelvic pressure. Totally used to that feeling, just not until like week 36, right. Called into my clinic, they said it's one of those symptoms you should never ignore, and scheduled me an appointment for 3pm. By noon it was bad. Lots of pain and so much pressure I thought baby was going to fall out. I called back and they told me to go directly to the hospital. I couldn't find anyone to watch my kids. I was hurting and called everyone I could coherently think of, and no one was answering. Probably cause it was me. So I called Luke and he came home from work early. Which meant $100 gone, cause that's not stressful at all. So off I went to the hospital, by myself. Luke was really upset that he couldn't go with me, that made me feel a little better. After a couple of hours and a seriously invasive test with a speculum and everything, they said that I had some bacteria in my urine and it was *probably* a UTI. No preterm labor, which is good.Yay. Not really.
So I got home and Luke took all the babies to the store to get my prescriptions (antibiotic and an oral pill for the yeast infection that will inevitably follow the antibiotic). And there all the kids hatched plans to escape him and drive the car home themselves. I guess waiting in Wal-mart for an hour was not their idea of a good time. He came home pretty frazzled. I took the pill which immediately made me nauseated. But the next morning the pressure was gone. Who knew that was a symptom of a UTI, not this girl.
My neighbors and ward family have been very sweet. Brought me dinner, had my kids over for a play date, and just checking up on me. On Sunday morning while Luke bathed the kids, I showered too. And I got out feeling ok. Usually I feel like passing out after showering. So we thought we would take advantage of all the clean people, and me feeling okay, and go to church for the first time in weeks. It felt so good to be there. It wasn't like a spiritual high, but just knowing we were where we needed to be, felt nice. Lots of discomfort and after sitting for 3 hours, my belly was in so much pain. I wanted to scream and find a spot on the floor to lay down on. But I waited for the last 10 minutes for RS to end and then went home to find my couch. It was good to go, but not something I think my body could handle every week.
Also, my sweet friend Linda who cuts hair at the MTC took pity on me and came to give me a haircut. She knew I couldn't afford to go to a salon right now and so she did it for free. I haven't had a haircut in 2 years. Luke gets haircuts every 2 months. I justify that because he has to look semi professional for his job and not having gross hair is part of that. But me, I am at home all day, there is no one I need to impress. So I don't because we can't afford it. Pity story over. So Linda cut my hair and did an amazing job. 7.5 inches gone! I felt light. Like a physical and emotional weight had been lifted. I can't even tell you how much I appreciate her right now!
When Luke got home yesterday we ate some dinner and took our kids out to enjoy the beautiful weather at the park. Between his school and me hurting so much, it really doesn't happen enough. We all had a good time. After the kids were in bed, Luke was meant to do homework. But he could tell I had a seriously dark cloud hovering around me. He tried to coax it out of me, but I didn't want to talk and take up his time. So he finally sat on the couch and said he wasn't doing any homework until I told him what was wrong. I said that was a low blow. And immature. And stinky. And then we both laughed. And I started to cry. It all spilled out. All of my fears and worries. I went on and on about how I felt unworthy. That no matter how much I did or accomplished, it still wasn't enough. I cried because I don't want other people to do things for me, and because I don't want to be on government assistance. I want to be able to handle things on my own. But at the same time, I'm so grateful that people are willing to help us. There's never enough money or time to go around. We are trying so hard to make a better life for ourselves. Paying off debt, trying hard to live within our means and Luke bettering his career and education. I just feel like no matter how hard we work, it's just not enough. That it will never be enough. He just held me while I bawled and tried to say hopeful comforting things.
I still feel the same this morning. Dark cloud. Incredibly worried. When is bedrest coming? How will we handle that? Crap, we have a bunch of newborn diapers but no size 1's. They switch over so quickly it seems, how could I have forgotten about that. Luke needs new jeans for work because no one will take him seriously if he's wearing jeans with holes in the knees. So so so glad he isn't required to wear suits. I need to wash my hair but I really don't give a crap. My family is so unhealthy right now. Lots of sugar. I should be juicing but I just can't find the motivation. Maybe that's why we are always so sick. People probably think 'Why are they having a 4th baby when they can't afford it?' We're just trying to do what the Lord wants us to. Which is so hard to explain sometimes when people don't get it. I wish that I had problem free pregnancies. This is my crazy thought process in all of 2 minutes.
Hopefully week 28-29 will be better. Just trying to take it a day at a time. Even if the only thing I do today is tell my husband and kids that I love them. That would be good enough. Right?
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