More months have passed. More trying. 1 success. I knew I was pregnant. Even before all the symptoms started showing up. I knew the moment of conception. TMI? Ah well. That's how sure I was. 2.5 weeks late. September 13th. Officially 6.5 weeks pregnant. Until I wasn't.
The bleeding and cramping began. This was no normal menstrual cycle. The cramps didn't even feel like normal menstrual cramps, which for me, after 4 kids, feel like labor pains every month. But even labor pains have their purpose. They hurt like hell, but you know your body is working to get that baby out into the world. That's the consolation prize for all the pain and suffering. This was not that. This physical pain felt like something was literally tearing itself away from my body. With more evidence than I could handle every time I used the restroom.
Emotionally I am. I don't necessarily feel like I lost a child. There is still a baby that needs to come to our family. I feel like for whatever reason this happened, it was meant to be this way. I feel peace. I also feel immense frustration. That it took two years to get pregnant and it just wouldn't stick. I don't think I can wait another two years. Out of the handful of people that knew, they said I was handling things very well. Part of me is still waiting to see if I will fall into a downward spiral, while desperately trying to avoid just that.
Luke is struggling with this way more than I thought he would. He is also frustrated and extremely stressed out which is triggering depression. That's not a normal reaction for him. It's really hard to rattle my husband, but this has done it. How do I help him be okay when I'm not sure what it takes? For him, for me, for anyone.
I was determined to go to church on Sunday. It had been weeks and lots of reasons since we had gone and I needed to be there. Not for emotional support, but to just be there. To partake of the sacrament and just be. Grace had woken up very early and so on our 8:30am drive to the church building, she fell asleep. I pulled her out once we'd arrived and she instantly rested her sweet head on my shoulder for sleepy snuggles. I was able to hold her like this for more than 30 minutes. I smelled her hair and touched her face and felt her breathing against me. She was so soft and so warm and I felt such a sense of pride that this extremely cautious 2 year old would put so much trust in me to hold her while she slept. That I was worthy of her trust and her love. I looked down the bench at my amazing husband trying to quietly referee three kids determined to get snacks and coloring and church books, and I was so grateful. Of all the things I have been blessed with, my incredible family will always be number one on my list. I was able to see the collateral beauty.
I am blessed but not yet complete. So I keep waiting and praying and really trying hard to be patient when it's definitely not my forte.
I feel empty. And determined. And grateful. And sad and blessed.
Tuesday, September 19, 2017
Thursday, January 12, 2017
Another 4 months.
Another 4 months have past since my last post and still not BFP. We are officially classified as having secondary infertility. Here are some things you may not know about secondary infertility...
Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. The birth of the first child does not involve any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications.
Secondary infertility is the inability to get pregnant despite frequent, unprotected sex — for at least a year in women under age 35 or six months in women age 35 and older — by a couple who have previously had a pregnancy. Secondary infertility shares many of the same causes of primary infertility.
Among the possible causes of secondary infertility are:
Now me. My period is considered sporadic. It's between 37 and 45 days long. I can never really tell when it'll happen. The cramps are so bad that it feels like labor pains. And I was at my heaviest weight ever of 282. And my body is FULL of inflammation.
So even though we're creeping up on 1.5 years of TTC, we decided not to go the medical route. IVF, IUI, semen analysis, ultrasounds, medications, they are all super expensive and we have bad insurance. We can't afford to do those things out of pocket. So wouldn't it be best if we healed ourselves? I have read study after study that say if you lose even 5 - 10% of your body weight, it makes a HUGE difference in your reproductive system. 10% is the goal with mine being 30 lbs and Luke's being 25 lbs. Luke is also in a biggest loser competition at work and could potentially come home with $900 if he wins!
Luke and I have decided to go all in. We are eating less, cutting out sugar and lots of simple carbs, upping the veggie and fruit and protein intake. We exercise for 30-40 min everyday and then stretch and really enjoy it. We are also reading our scriptures and praying daily as a couple and individually and as a family, while the kids eat breakfast. By improving our all around well being, as well as losing weight, we're hoping to conceive naturally in a few months. If there is no progress by April, we will visit a doctor and get some tests and possibly some medication.
So that's where we're at. And although, no one is currently reading this, it feels good to have it written down for accountability purposes.
RESULTS: We are both already feeling better. We're less tired and sick since we don't have those food hangovers anymore. Luke's heart burn is also non existent and he's sleeping much better at night. I have lost 9 lbs and Luke has lost 6 lbs. I had a slight hiccup with a shoulder problem, but I'm on an anti inflammatory for the next 2 months to clear it up and make sure there isn't a repeat.
Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. The birth of the first child does not involve any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications.
Secondary infertility is the inability to get pregnant despite frequent, unprotected sex — for at least a year in women under age 35 or six months in women age 35 and older — by a couple who have previously had a pregnancy. Secondary infertility shares many of the same causes of primary infertility.
Among the possible causes of secondary infertility are:
- Impaired sperm production, function or delivery in men
- Fallopian tube damage, ovulation disorders, endometriosis and uterine conditions in women
- Complications related to prior pregnancies
- Changes in your and your partner's risk factors, such as age, weight and use of certain medications
Now me. My period is considered sporadic. It's between 37 and 45 days long. I can never really tell when it'll happen. The cramps are so bad that it feels like labor pains. And I was at my heaviest weight ever of 282. And my body is FULL of inflammation.
So even though we're creeping up on 1.5 years of TTC, we decided not to go the medical route. IVF, IUI, semen analysis, ultrasounds, medications, they are all super expensive and we have bad insurance. We can't afford to do those things out of pocket. So wouldn't it be best if we healed ourselves? I have read study after study that say if you lose even 5 - 10% of your body weight, it makes a HUGE difference in your reproductive system. 10% is the goal with mine being 30 lbs and Luke's being 25 lbs. Luke is also in a biggest loser competition at work and could potentially come home with $900 if he wins!
Luke and I have decided to go all in. We are eating less, cutting out sugar and lots of simple carbs, upping the veggie and fruit and protein intake. We exercise for 30-40 min everyday and then stretch and really enjoy it. We are also reading our scriptures and praying daily as a couple and individually and as a family, while the kids eat breakfast. By improving our all around well being, as well as losing weight, we're hoping to conceive naturally in a few months. If there is no progress by April, we will visit a doctor and get some tests and possibly some medication.
So that's where we're at. And although, no one is currently reading this, it feels good to have it written down for accountability purposes.
RESULTS: We are both already feeling better. We're less tired and sick since we don't have those food hangovers anymore. Luke's heart burn is also non existent and he's sleeping much better at night. I have lost 9 lbs and Luke has lost 6 lbs. I had a slight hiccup with a shoulder problem, but I'm on an anti inflammatory for the next 2 months to clear it up and make sure there isn't a repeat.
Monday, September 19, 2016
1 Year.
Long time no see eh? Yeah, I've been busy raising the baby I had 16 months ago.
Its funny though. We knew that there was another baby, and while the previously mentioned deal with The Father, meant that there would only be one more pregnancy, truthfully, we haven't been all that excited about it. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my kids. More than just about everything. But, being in the throes of teaching and raising those 4 kids, doesn't exactly make you baby hungry. Parenting is hard work right? Plus there is my always present loathing of pregnancy. Its seriously rotten. Hand me a newborn and I'll easily take the sleep deprivation. Wanna know why? Because they're so sweet! And because I have a husband who pulls his weight. Get this, he actually gets up once in awhile to take care of HIS child! Crazy huh? Apparently that is not the norm for most families. But in mine, I wouldn't have it any other way. So yeah, not over the moon, but still willing and happy to add another to our brood.
It may be why we have been slightly dragging our feet. I have been off birth control for a year. After having only been on it for 3.5 months. It makes me legit crazy. So we've been "not preventing" for a year now and so far nothing. But to me, trying is tracking ovulation, doing the deed every other day during the right time, legs in the air afterward, that kinda thing. I was very aware of when I was ovulating in relation to when we were gettin busy. But like I said, we've been busy livin. And I knew that without a doubt that the Lord would send us a baby when the time was right. Until now it hasn't been. Can you even imagine if we had? Luke may have not graduated when he did, we for sure would've stayed in Utah! We'd be living a very different life!
But the time has come to really get things moving. It feels like the right time is just around the corner.
So here's to trying to conceive. May we be fertile. Or something like that. ;)
Its funny though. We knew that there was another baby, and while the previously mentioned deal with The Father, meant that there would only be one more pregnancy, truthfully, we haven't been all that excited about it. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my kids. More than just about everything. But, being in the throes of teaching and raising those 4 kids, doesn't exactly make you baby hungry. Parenting is hard work right? Plus there is my always present loathing of pregnancy. Its seriously rotten. Hand me a newborn and I'll easily take the sleep deprivation. Wanna know why? Because they're so sweet! And because I have a husband who pulls his weight. Get this, he actually gets up once in awhile to take care of HIS child! Crazy huh? Apparently that is not the norm for most families. But in mine, I wouldn't have it any other way. So yeah, not over the moon, but still willing and happy to add another to our brood.
It may be why we have been slightly dragging our feet. I have been off birth control for a year. After having only been on it for 3.5 months. It makes me legit crazy. So we've been "not preventing" for a year now and so far nothing. But to me, trying is tracking ovulation, doing the deed every other day during the right time, legs in the air afterward, that kinda thing. I was very aware of when I was ovulating in relation to when we were gettin busy. But like I said, we've been busy livin. And I knew that without a doubt that the Lord would send us a baby when the time was right. Until now it hasn't been. Can you even imagine if we had? Luke may have not graduated when he did, we for sure would've stayed in Utah! We'd be living a very different life!
But the time has come to really get things moving. It feels like the right time is just around the corner.
So here's to trying to conceive. May we be fertile. Or something like that. ;)
Thursday, June 11, 2015
The Post Partum Wrap Up.
This will probably be my last post on this blog until I decide to pick this journey up one last time. She is here. Grace Rebecca Moore has finally arrived. If you haven't yet, and you want to, you can read all about it here.
This post is where I wanted to write all about my last few weeks of pregnancy symptoms and the post partum symptoms I am now experiencing. This time around I had a hard time remembering what was new for this pregnancy, and what I had gone through before. I don't want to forget and be thrown off next time, so these things needed to be documented.
I already wrote this, but first and most important...
1. Don't plan anything big after 30 weeks. You will start to go downhill quickly. Physically and mentally. When you feel like you need it, get on an antidepressant. Don't wait. Do anything and everything that will help you feel better mentally and emotionally. Go out to eat, go for a drive, have sex even if you're exhausted - it'll be an hour where you don't have to think about how much you hurt or how done you are being pregnant, eat a treat and don't worry about the calories, buy something for baby, buy something for yourself, if you can - serve someone else, make a countdown calendar, spend time with your kids, spend time with your spouse, go on a date, spend time alone, go out with friends. Anything that will help.
2. The last month is the worst. You will be counting every single day for the first two weeks, and the last two weeks, you'll be counting hours. Do what you can to stay sane. Take any help anyone is willing to give. Organize. For reals. There is no time for that once baby is here.
3. This time, I felt absolutely no downstairs pain. Other than during the delivery ya know. Afterwards, it was almost like nothing had happened. I took care of myself the way I should have - ice gloves and medication and such, but even where I had a couple of stitches, no pain. It seems to get less and less with each baby. So that's really nice.
4. The cramps however, get worse and worse with each baby. My uterus is still cramping pretty badly and I am almost 2 weeks out. Not so fun.
5. My feet started to swell right around day 2 PP, and only got bigger from there. But, the swelling was completely gone one week after.
6. So much peeing. So much sweating. I had headaches this time too, probably from the shift in hormones. The exhaustion is unreal. I only get up with Grace once at night and Luke gets up with her once. But I am like ready to pass out all the time. Naps aren't an option. You have 4 kids. Next time you'll have 5. They don't understand the need for naps. Just go to bed early and sleep as well as you can. Gracie is doing good though. Last night I slept from 11pm to 6:15am when she woke up. And Luke got up with her at 3am. She will be sleeping through the night in the next month or two.
7. The PPD is starting, but I am already on prozac and am monitoring myself closely so I know when I need to up my dosage.
8. And finally, this is a weird symptom this time around. My bones hurt. From my knees to my navel, I ache, deep in my bones. It started about 2 weeks before she was born and is still going strong two weeks after she was born. The only thing I can figure is, my hips were moving out and now they're on their way back in. And the reason it hurts so much is because this is my 4th baby. Things are starting to get a little worn out. Good thing I am only contracted for one more time.
So that's about all I think. I haven't been super moody yet, my hormones are definitely shifting because I have some acne showing up. But over all, its just really nice to not be pregnant anymore. Overall, I gained 24 lbs during this pregnancy and so far, I have lost 14 lbs. Only 10 lbs to go to pre pregnancy weight and then on to regular weight loss!
Until next time.
This post is where I wanted to write all about my last few weeks of pregnancy symptoms and the post partum symptoms I am now experiencing. This time around I had a hard time remembering what was new for this pregnancy, and what I had gone through before. I don't want to forget and be thrown off next time, so these things needed to be documented.
I already wrote this, but first and most important...
1. Don't plan anything big after 30 weeks. You will start to go downhill quickly. Physically and mentally. When you feel like you need it, get on an antidepressant. Don't wait. Do anything and everything that will help you feel better mentally and emotionally. Go out to eat, go for a drive, have sex even if you're exhausted - it'll be an hour where you don't have to think about how much you hurt or how done you are being pregnant, eat a treat and don't worry about the calories, buy something for baby, buy something for yourself, if you can - serve someone else, make a countdown calendar, spend time with your kids, spend time with your spouse, go on a date, spend time alone, go out with friends. Anything that will help.
2. The last month is the worst. You will be counting every single day for the first two weeks, and the last two weeks, you'll be counting hours. Do what you can to stay sane. Take any help anyone is willing to give. Organize. For reals. There is no time for that once baby is here.
3. This time, I felt absolutely no downstairs pain. Other than during the delivery ya know. Afterwards, it was almost like nothing had happened. I took care of myself the way I should have - ice gloves and medication and such, but even where I had a couple of stitches, no pain. It seems to get less and less with each baby. So that's really nice.
4. The cramps however, get worse and worse with each baby. My uterus is still cramping pretty badly and I am almost 2 weeks out. Not so fun.
5. My feet started to swell right around day 2 PP, and only got bigger from there. But, the swelling was completely gone one week after.
6. So much peeing. So much sweating. I had headaches this time too, probably from the shift in hormones. The exhaustion is unreal. I only get up with Grace once at night and Luke gets up with her once. But I am like ready to pass out all the time. Naps aren't an option. You have 4 kids. Next time you'll have 5. They don't understand the need for naps. Just go to bed early and sleep as well as you can. Gracie is doing good though. Last night I slept from 11pm to 6:15am when she woke up. And Luke got up with her at 3am. She will be sleeping through the night in the next month or two.
7. The PPD is starting, but I am already on prozac and am monitoring myself closely so I know when I need to up my dosage.
8. And finally, this is a weird symptom this time around. My bones hurt. From my knees to my navel, I ache, deep in my bones. It started about 2 weeks before she was born and is still going strong two weeks after she was born. The only thing I can figure is, my hips were moving out and now they're on their way back in. And the reason it hurts so much is because this is my 4th baby. Things are starting to get a little worn out. Good thing I am only contracted for one more time.
So that's about all I think. I haven't been super moody yet, my hormones are definitely shifting because I have some acne showing up. But over all, its just really nice to not be pregnant anymore. Overall, I gained 24 lbs during this pregnancy and so far, I have lost 14 lbs. Only 10 lbs to go to pre pregnancy weight and then on to regular weight loss!
Until next time.
Sunday, May 24, 2015
The Last Pregnancy Update!
I am currently 38 weeks 4 days pregnant. Seriously never thought I would make it this far. I mean I knew logically I would eventually get here, but mentally I thought it would take a thousand years. I have 5 days left until my induction and the kids are beside themselves! They are so incredibly excited. They tell me every day things they are going to do for Gracie when she comes out and the toys they will show her and how they will protect her and love her so much. My heart is so full of love right now for my little family.
In other not so fun news...LOTS and lots of pain and pressure. It is almost impossible to sit up in a chair just because the pressure is so intense. I remember this from last time and I remember hating it then too. I went to labor and delivery on Thursday because of all the pressure, but I was also having contractions too. They monitored me for two hours and checked my cervix 3 times. Baby was wigglin away, contractions coming and going and there was literally no change in my body. I am still measuring at 1.5 cm, but I am now about 50% effaced. Being sent home from the hospital and still being this pregnant is so hard. But, there are rules for a reason. I was told to take a loritab to get my pain under control. Jen promised me it would help my body relax and I would be able to sleep. So I took it reluctantly and it really did help. Which was good, and also disappointing :)
I haven't had very many contractions since then and that's okay. I am good with waiting until Friday. I have sitters set up and things all arranged and it would be a pain to have to redo all that if she came a couple days early. I really don't think she will. I think Gracie is quite cozy. That makes one of us :)
I am starting to get a little nervous about the delivery and recovery. The last two babies were cake and it really surprised me. But I can never get out of my head the trauma of Emma's birth. I remember all the pain, and feeling myself tear and the awful, awful months of recovery. I know that the probability of having a good delivery is high, especially since this is my 4th baby and my body kinda knows how it goes. But that terror is one you don't ever forget. I am just praying for a good outcome for baby and me.
Either way though, I will get to hold her in 5 days! I am having a baby this week and I can't wait!!!!
In other not so fun news...LOTS and lots of pain and pressure. It is almost impossible to sit up in a chair just because the pressure is so intense. I remember this from last time and I remember hating it then too. I went to labor and delivery on Thursday because of all the pressure, but I was also having contractions too. They monitored me for two hours and checked my cervix 3 times. Baby was wigglin away, contractions coming and going and there was literally no change in my body. I am still measuring at 1.5 cm, but I am now about 50% effaced. Being sent home from the hospital and still being this pregnant is so hard. But, there are rules for a reason. I was told to take a loritab to get my pain under control. Jen promised me it would help my body relax and I would be able to sleep. So I took it reluctantly and it really did help. Which was good, and also disappointing :)
I haven't had very many contractions since then and that's okay. I am good with waiting until Friday. I have sitters set up and things all arranged and it would be a pain to have to redo all that if she came a couple days early. I really don't think she will. I think Gracie is quite cozy. That makes one of us :)
I am starting to get a little nervous about the delivery and recovery. The last two babies were cake and it really surprised me. But I can never get out of my head the trauma of Emma's birth. I remember all the pain, and feeling myself tear and the awful, awful months of recovery. I know that the probability of having a good delivery is high, especially since this is my 4th baby and my body kinda knows how it goes. But that terror is one you don't ever forget. I am just praying for a good outcome for baby and me.
Either way though, I will get to hold her in 5 days! I am having a baby this week and I can't wait!!!!
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
37 weeks.
I went to my latest ob appt yesterday. Here's what I know. I tested positive for Group B Strep this time around. Just means some antibiotics when I am induced, no biggie. I am measuring at 1.5 cm and still not effaced at all. Baby is still head down and is officially ready to go, whatever that term is, she has dropped or lightened or whatever. Her head is stuck where its at and she's not going anywhere but out, whenever she decides it's time. Yes. Also, I tried to coerce my favorite midwife into inducing me at 38 weeks 6 days (a Tuesday) because that's the only day that week that she is on call. She said she wished she could, but any day before 39 weeks is a liability. She said if she didn't have 3 little kids at home, she would just come in on Wednesday and do it. She's so nice. Love to Jen :) We did a NST as well, and Grace is doing so good. Great fetal heart tones and Will was so wonderful to just sit by me and play the tablet.
I also tried to switch my induction to Wed - when I am actually 39 weeks instead of waiting another two days for Friday. So such luck. There were already 10 women who were on Wed. And I am #1 on Friday. It's better just to wait. It'll be a long 16 days though.
I am still doing the same. Pain, pain and more pain. In the form of BH, contractions, headaches, getting kicked in the ribs and ligament pain. Lots of nausea, which means lots of carbs. Which also means that I am up to 20 pounds gained. AHHHHH! It's going to be so hard to reverse some of these bad habits. Good thing Luke is already ready to go. He's excited to have the summer off and exercise and lose some weight. I just hafta remember to give myself the time I need to recover after baby is born and not try to do things too fast and mess myself up more.
We're all getting very anxious over here!
I also tried to switch my induction to Wed - when I am actually 39 weeks instead of waiting another two days for Friday. So such luck. There were already 10 women who were on Wed. And I am #1 on Friday. It's better just to wait. It'll be a long 16 days though.
I am still doing the same. Pain, pain and more pain. In the form of BH, contractions, headaches, getting kicked in the ribs and ligament pain. Lots of nausea, which means lots of carbs. Which also means that I am up to 20 pounds gained. AHHHHH! It's going to be so hard to reverse some of these bad habits. Good thing Luke is already ready to go. He's excited to have the summer off and exercise and lose some weight. I just hafta remember to give myself the time I need to recover after baby is born and not try to do things too fast and mess myself up more.
We're all getting very anxious over here!
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
36 & 29.
36 weeks today. Only 23 days left until induction. Seriously, it's getting so close I can taste it! And it tastes like freedom. And cold stone in a hospital room. Can't wait! I dream all day long about what it will be like when I am not pregnant. And what Grace will be like. And how great it will be to have a new baby again. Newborn snuggles and newborn smells. I'm getting really excited. That is, when I am not crying about all the pain I'm in. It's a trade off.
Yesterday was my 29th birthday. I soooo did not want to take any pictures, it sounded like a lot of work. But then I realized that the next birthday picture I take, I'll be 30! Suddenly capturing 29 seemed like a must do on my list. I tried a full belly shot and it made me feel disgusting. So I went with a face shot. Much better and the shadows hide my double chin nicely. I also figured since I couldn't really do my hair, that some make-up would be in order.
I started the day off with taking Lilah to preschool and then drove 80+ down the freeway to make it to my appt in time. 36th week visit...that means Group B Strep test. Yay. Its whatever. I've never had problems with it before, but if getting checked for it protects my baby, I'm in. I also told my midwife whilst she was 'down there' she could check my cervix. Why not ya know? Turns out I'm 1 centimeter and still totally thick. So at least all of the contractions and BH are actually doing something and not just causing needless pain. I try to remember when it hurts so badly, that my body is just trying to change and get ready for delivery. Sometimes is works, sometimes not. Anyhow, baby's heartbeat sounds fantastic, she's still head down, where hopefully she'll stay.
After that, we picked up Lilah from school and Daddy from work and headed to Bruges & Frites. A place that was originally in SLC and now has a storefront on center in Provo. I had heard lots of hype and wanted to see what it was about. The four of us split an order of fries with different dipping sauces. None that I was super crazy about. The fries were crispy which is always good. But beyond that, I wasn't overly impressed. Then we got waffles. If I am sharing a waffle with anyone in my family, I always have to get chocolate cause no one likes fruity desserts. So since it was my day, I wanted to get the warm apple pie waffle. It boasted caramelized apples and creme fraiche and sounded awesome. When it came I was super disappointed. There was no caramelized anything. Not even a caramel sauce. They apples looked floppy and warm like someone had re-hydrated dried apples. The waffle was dense and thick and tasted like cinnamon bread. Not bad, but not what you want in a waffle. And the creme fraiche was just whipped cream. $9 disappointment. Luke and the kids got the same waffle - a torpedo. It's a Liege waffle pumped full of chocolate. Then they topped it with vanilla bean ice cream and a belgian chocolate sauce. I had a couple bites, and that I would get again. Liege waffles in my opinion are just okay. They have the crunchy pearlized sugar which is cool, but the taste and texture is much like bread. But the star of the show was the Belgian chocolate sauce. Made from actual chocolate so when poured on the ice cream it's like the most heavenly magic shell ever. I would go back for that, but not for much else. I think I'm a bit of a food snob.
And since we were out, I didn't really want to go home yet. I knew I wasn't up for anything awesome. So we went to Target for a little stroll. Everyone stared at my belly as they passed me. Like without abandon. Full on eyebrows up, huge eyeballs, gaping. And I realized I have reached planet-sized status. Mom saw me a week ago, and when she came by for a second yesterday, her eyes about popped out. Baby is growing. She better not be like 20 pounds though. That's no bueno. So far my weight gain is 16 pounds. Probably more today since my waffes-fries-pizza-soda-cake combo of yesterday. I have been scared to check. I usually try to save most of my weight gain for the last part because I get so hungry and baby is growing so fast that it's like a freight train no one can stop. Anyway, we walked the perimeter of Target very slowly and then I was about spent and tired of people staring. I also felt like I had filled my birthday quota of being out of the house. I was ready to lay down again.
Luke and I started watching The Desolation of Smaug around 3pm. But there were many many interruptions and we didn't end up finishing it until 9pm. Way too late to start the last one. This pregnant lady cannot stay up until midnight. So it's on the cue for tonight. Luke also made me a simple marbled cake with chocolate frosting and did the dishes. With 29 candles on the cake the kids were a little afraid of starting a fire and made sure to help me blow some out. And oh yeah, Luke got CPK for dinner I got a tostada pizza without the lettuce and lots of extra lime juice. For the first time in my life, I actually ate semi-mexican fare on Cinco de Mayo.
Bedtime actually went okay. We have moved Will into the girls room. Mostly because I am so tired of telling them to stop playing on the crib. It has to last through 2 more babies, it can't get broken. The first night was not so good. Lots of threats and taking of stuffed animals, tears and putting kids in the bathtub. They all finally went to sleep around 9:30pm. Lilah is the instigator. She thinks bedtime is a party every night and convinces the others to follow her. Oi. But last night was the second night and no one wanted to be in the bathtub. We only had to remind Lilah and Will to be quiet once. Then all was silent. It was nice. Hopefully this is a new trend! Fingers crossed. Oh, but Emma made sure to point out that Mama hadn't opened her presents yet. To which Daddy answered, Mama doesn't have any presents. The kids were shocked which I think is what he was going for because he just laughed and then Lilah started to cry. So glad my babies love me and are looking out for their Mama! :) I came to Luke's defense though and said that I had told Daddy that there wasn't anything I wanted. That my birthday present was coming late this year. In 24 days to be exact. That baby Gracie is all the present I needed for my 29th birthday. That made them happy :)
It was a great birthday. And an excellent distraction. Exactly what I needed. I'm all pumped up and ready to lay on the couch the rest of the week.
Yesterday was my 29th birthday. I soooo did not want to take any pictures, it sounded like a lot of work. But then I realized that the next birthday picture I take, I'll be 30! Suddenly capturing 29 seemed like a must do on my list. I tried a full belly shot and it made me feel disgusting. So I went with a face shot. Much better and the shadows hide my double chin nicely. I also figured since I couldn't really do my hair, that some make-up would be in order.
I started the day off with taking Lilah to preschool and then drove 80+ down the freeway to make it to my appt in time. 36th week visit...that means Group B Strep test. Yay. Its whatever. I've never had problems with it before, but if getting checked for it protects my baby, I'm in. I also told my midwife whilst she was 'down there' she could check my cervix. Why not ya know? Turns out I'm 1 centimeter and still totally thick. So at least all of the contractions and BH are actually doing something and not just causing needless pain. I try to remember when it hurts so badly, that my body is just trying to change and get ready for delivery. Sometimes is works, sometimes not. Anyhow, baby's heartbeat sounds fantastic, she's still head down, where hopefully she'll stay.
After that, we picked up Lilah from school and Daddy from work and headed to Bruges & Frites. A place that was originally in SLC and now has a storefront on center in Provo. I had heard lots of hype and wanted to see what it was about. The four of us split an order of fries with different dipping sauces. None that I was super crazy about. The fries were crispy which is always good. But beyond that, I wasn't overly impressed. Then we got waffles. If I am sharing a waffle with anyone in my family, I always have to get chocolate cause no one likes fruity desserts. So since it was my day, I wanted to get the warm apple pie waffle. It boasted caramelized apples and creme fraiche and sounded awesome. When it came I was super disappointed. There was no caramelized anything. Not even a caramel sauce. They apples looked floppy and warm like someone had re-hydrated dried apples. The waffle was dense and thick and tasted like cinnamon bread. Not bad, but not what you want in a waffle. And the creme fraiche was just whipped cream. $9 disappointment. Luke and the kids got the same waffle - a torpedo. It's a Liege waffle pumped full of chocolate. Then they topped it with vanilla bean ice cream and a belgian chocolate sauce. I had a couple bites, and that I would get again. Liege waffles in my opinion are just okay. They have the crunchy pearlized sugar which is cool, but the taste and texture is much like bread. But the star of the show was the Belgian chocolate sauce. Made from actual chocolate so when poured on the ice cream it's like the most heavenly magic shell ever. I would go back for that, but not for much else. I think I'm a bit of a food snob.
And since we were out, I didn't really want to go home yet. I knew I wasn't up for anything awesome. So we went to Target for a little stroll. Everyone stared at my belly as they passed me. Like without abandon. Full on eyebrows up, huge eyeballs, gaping. And I realized I have reached planet-sized status. Mom saw me a week ago, and when she came by for a second yesterday, her eyes about popped out. Baby is growing. She better not be like 20 pounds though. That's no bueno. So far my weight gain is 16 pounds. Probably more today since my waffes-fries-pizza-soda-cake combo of yesterday. I have been scared to check. I usually try to save most of my weight gain for the last part because I get so hungry and baby is growing so fast that it's like a freight train no one can stop. Anyway, we walked the perimeter of Target very slowly and then I was about spent and tired of people staring. I also felt like I had filled my birthday quota of being out of the house. I was ready to lay down again.
Luke and I started watching The Desolation of Smaug around 3pm. But there were many many interruptions and we didn't end up finishing it until 9pm. Way too late to start the last one. This pregnant lady cannot stay up until midnight. So it's on the cue for tonight. Luke also made me a simple marbled cake with chocolate frosting and did the dishes. With 29 candles on the cake the kids were a little afraid of starting a fire and made sure to help me blow some out. And oh yeah, Luke got CPK for dinner I got a tostada pizza without the lettuce and lots of extra lime juice. For the first time in my life, I actually ate semi-mexican fare on Cinco de Mayo.
Bedtime actually went okay. We have moved Will into the girls room. Mostly because I am so tired of telling them to stop playing on the crib. It has to last through 2 more babies, it can't get broken. The first night was not so good. Lots of threats and taking of stuffed animals, tears and putting kids in the bathtub. They all finally went to sleep around 9:30pm. Lilah is the instigator. She thinks bedtime is a party every night and convinces the others to follow her. Oi. But last night was the second night and no one wanted to be in the bathtub. We only had to remind Lilah and Will to be quiet once. Then all was silent. It was nice. Hopefully this is a new trend! Fingers crossed. Oh, but Emma made sure to point out that Mama hadn't opened her presents yet. To which Daddy answered, Mama doesn't have any presents. The kids were shocked which I think is what he was going for because he just laughed and then Lilah started to cry. So glad my babies love me and are looking out for their Mama! :) I came to Luke's defense though and said that I had told Daddy that there wasn't anything I wanted. That my birthday present was coming late this year. In 24 days to be exact. That baby Gracie is all the present I needed for my 29th birthday. That made them happy :)
It was a great birthday. And an excellent distraction. Exactly what I needed. I'm all pumped up and ready to lay on the couch the rest of the week.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
35 weeks.
I only have 4 weeks left. 30 days. A month, what is that? Like nothing right? And somehow it seems like I may as well have all 9 months left. Yikes. About once a day I will have a pretty serious moment where I think, "HOLY CRAP! How on earth am I going to get through these last few weeks with my mind still intact?!!!" Usually I just say that to Luke. Partly because I don't want to bug anyone else with my complaining, and partly because he contributed to the issue at hand and is required to listen. And even if he wasn't, he still would. Because he loves me. So anytime I frantically throw that question his way, he will either just listen and say nicely, "I know it feels long, but it's really so short and I will be here to help you through anything you need." Or he'll say very matter of factly, "We just will. We will because we have to." Neither response makes me feel any better. But both remind me that I'm loved and not in this totally alone.
Luke has 1 more night to finish up a research paper and then has one more class on Thursday and then he'll be officially done for the semester. Bad news, he failed one class. It couldn't be helped and I'm not okay with it, but I'm okay with it. Good news, he will pass his remaining 4 classes and seriously scrape by with C-'s in all of them. Wow. Massively close calls. As long as they are passed, we don't care! Best news: since his Fall financial aid has been awarded and accepted, and his class schedule for Fall is completely registered for, we don't have to think at all about school until August at the earliest!!!!
In some ways it's been the hardest pregnancy ever, and in others, its been quite easy. I have learned a few things though to keep in mind for the next go around (uhhh!).
1. Absolutely the most important thing to remember is, weeks 30-39 are the worst. Depression sets in hard, nausea returns, ligament pains, can't walk, horrible horrible hip pains, can't breathe, can't sleep. Remember that when you're barfing in the first trimester - this is cake, just wait until later.
2. Make sure to schedule EVERYTHING (other than OB visits, of course) before that 30 week deadline. Kids doctor appts, dentist appts, fun things with hubby or friends, get it all out of the way. Plan to do nothing after then. If it involves sitting on your butt or laying uncomfortably on your sides, then it's okay. Movies at home, yes. Out to dinner with friends, no. Eating chocolate, big time yes. Planning to finish your scrapbook, no!
3. Don't become reclusive. Reach out to friends even if they don't reach out to you. Its so hard when all you want to do is complain and be grumpy, cause no one wants to hear that. So that's usually what I do. I sequester myself away from the world. But it doesn't help me. Sometimes when I am feeling really aggravated, Luke will ask me what I want to eat or what I want to do and the answer will always be, "I just want to go to the hospital and have a baby. Right now." I have a bad case of the grumps. Also known as, Get This Baby Outta Me Nooooowww syndrome.
That's about all I can think of.
Also, total weight gain 14 pounds.
Luke has 1 more night to finish up a research paper and then has one more class on Thursday and then he'll be officially done for the semester. Bad news, he failed one class. It couldn't be helped and I'm not okay with it, but I'm okay with it. Good news, he will pass his remaining 4 classes and seriously scrape by with C-'s in all of them. Wow. Massively close calls. As long as they are passed, we don't care! Best news: since his Fall financial aid has been awarded and accepted, and his class schedule for Fall is completely registered for, we don't have to think at all about school until August at the earliest!!!!
In some ways it's been the hardest pregnancy ever, and in others, its been quite easy. I have learned a few things though to keep in mind for the next go around (uhhh!).
1. Absolutely the most important thing to remember is, weeks 30-39 are the worst. Depression sets in hard, nausea returns, ligament pains, can't walk, horrible horrible hip pains, can't breathe, can't sleep. Remember that when you're barfing in the first trimester - this is cake, just wait until later.
2. Make sure to schedule EVERYTHING (other than OB visits, of course) before that 30 week deadline. Kids doctor appts, dentist appts, fun things with hubby or friends, get it all out of the way. Plan to do nothing after then. If it involves sitting on your butt or laying uncomfortably on your sides, then it's okay. Movies at home, yes. Out to dinner with friends, no. Eating chocolate, big time yes. Planning to finish your scrapbook, no!
3. Don't become reclusive. Reach out to friends even if they don't reach out to you. Its so hard when all you want to do is complain and be grumpy, cause no one wants to hear that. So that's usually what I do. I sequester myself away from the world. But it doesn't help me. Sometimes when I am feeling really aggravated, Luke will ask me what I want to eat or what I want to do and the answer will always be, "I just want to go to the hospital and have a baby. Right now." I have a bad case of the grumps. Also known as, Get This Baby Outta Me Nooooowww syndrome.
That's about all I can think of.
Also, total weight gain 14 pounds.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Lately.
We officially have 5 weeks left. 37 days until the induction. Can't come soon enough. Good news is, we've fixed some problems that were causing Luke and I to stress and me then having contractions. No good.
Awesome improvements for the next few weeks:
1. Luke is taking Emma & Lilah to school.
2. I am still picking up Lilah, but it's only two days a week and I really enjoy the fresh air since it's the only time I really get out of the house.
3. My visiting teacher Lisa, is picking up Emma from school. From now until school is out. We may toss in another person and they'll alternate weeks.
4. Luke has been making Emma's lunch for the last few months because I am basically useless in the morning and trying so hard not to throw up. But now he's started making sandwiches for Lilah and Will at the same time and just putting them in a tupperware in the fridge. It sounds small and simple, but it makes the biggest difference to me!
5. The Relief Society is bringing in a meal every Tuesday until baby day. And on Monday 5 of my favorite ladies came over and made me a bunch of freezer meals that we can just pull out of the freezer and put in the oven or toss in the slow cooker. Stuff that's easy for Luke to do. Because I basically haven't cooked anything in weeks. We've been surviving on boxed mac and cheese, snacks and cup of noodles. And we made a big batch of Neiman Marcus cookie dough and froze that in little balls as well for later :)
6. Luke talked to his boss and basically explained that he can't work 50+ hours a week plus finish school, do homework, take finals and have a wife on bedrest. They were super understanding when he said he would do his best and be in and out for the next few weeks and be working at home some too. They took away one of his biggest projects to allow for some breathing room and when he came home I saw some genuine relief from him. He still has PLENTY to do, but now he feels like he'll actually be able to accomplish it all.
My last big outing. My niece Hazel was getting baptized this last Saturday and the kids were so excited to go! I knew Luke couldn't handle all 3 of them by himself, so I went too. Even showered and put on make-up for the first time in who knows how long. Made him take a picture.
He thought it would be super funny to stand on a hill and hold the camera up high. It looks like he's shooting from a tree. Sadly, I only made it through the actual baptism. We had to go home after that so I could lay down. The kids were bummed about missing lunch, but then Luke took them to family dinner the next day so it all shook out.
So those are the super happy things that have made my life so much easier and my stress so much less. Plus Luke only has 11 days of school left! Hallelujah! We are both struggling and muddling through it, but pass or fail, it'll all be over in a week and a half.
Now onto the hard stuff. The being 34 weeks pregnant and unable to move properly kinda stuff. There's the not sleeping because I have to roll over every hour because my hips hurt and wake me up, and the peeing 5 or 6 times a night.
I may or may not have preeclampsia. Who really knows at this point. My blood pressure is low like 100/65. I have NO swelling at all in my hands, feet or face. But, I do have some protein in my urine and headaches strong enough to lay ya flat, and those fuzzy visions things called floaters because of the headaches, and crazy amounts of nausea. So it could be developing preeclampsia, or just weirdness that comes with the territory. They took some blood for testing and will continue to monitor my pee & blood pressure at each appointment and we'll just hafta see. One of my midwives told me to take extra strength tylenol, a sudafed, and drink a redbull and that should cut the headache. So not comfortable drinking a redbull and would never ever do that while I'm pregnant! Different strokes for different folks I guess. The point was caffeine. The only thing I like with caffeine is Sunkist. I'm a rebel, I know. So I have been guzzling that and eating chocolate and taking tylenol and it does help the headaches. But they always come right back and I inevitably have to do it all again.
I am still struggling with eating mostly because of the nausea. Pretty much anything I can keep down at this point. Some days I just have a couple of biscuits with butter for dinner, or some cheese and crackers. I have currently gained 12 pounds.
I lay down most of the day which hurts my hips and back. I LOVE LOVE LOVE laying flat on my back but I never dare do it for more than a minute or two because I feel like I'm killing my baby. I told Luke that maybe I wouldn't mind a c-section because then I would get to lay on my back for awhile!
I have gotten to the almost passing out when I shower stage. Not so fun. But since I am down to once a week now, Luke said, "Hey, you only have to do it 5 maybe 6 more times!" Always trying to look on the bright side. Oi with the poodles already!
Depression is currently manageable thanks to upping my dose. I am slowly getting things checked off my list. The "Things to do before baby gets here' list. Luke is helping a lot.
So that's about all for this week.
Awesome improvements for the next few weeks:
1. Luke is taking Emma & Lilah to school.
2. I am still picking up Lilah, but it's only two days a week and I really enjoy the fresh air since it's the only time I really get out of the house.
3. My visiting teacher Lisa, is picking up Emma from school. From now until school is out. We may toss in another person and they'll alternate weeks.
4. Luke has been making Emma's lunch for the last few months because I am basically useless in the morning and trying so hard not to throw up. But now he's started making sandwiches for Lilah and Will at the same time and just putting them in a tupperware in the fridge. It sounds small and simple, but it makes the biggest difference to me!
5. The Relief Society is bringing in a meal every Tuesday until baby day. And on Monday 5 of my favorite ladies came over and made me a bunch of freezer meals that we can just pull out of the freezer and put in the oven or toss in the slow cooker. Stuff that's easy for Luke to do. Because I basically haven't cooked anything in weeks. We've been surviving on boxed mac and cheese, snacks and cup of noodles. And we made a big batch of Neiman Marcus cookie dough and froze that in little balls as well for later :)
6. Luke talked to his boss and basically explained that he can't work 50+ hours a week plus finish school, do homework, take finals and have a wife on bedrest. They were super understanding when he said he would do his best and be in and out for the next few weeks and be working at home some too. They took away one of his biggest projects to allow for some breathing room and when he came home I saw some genuine relief from him. He still has PLENTY to do, but now he feels like he'll actually be able to accomplish it all.
My last big outing. My niece Hazel was getting baptized this last Saturday and the kids were so excited to go! I knew Luke couldn't handle all 3 of them by himself, so I went too. Even showered and put on make-up for the first time in who knows how long. Made him take a picture.
So those are the super happy things that have made my life so much easier and my stress so much less. Plus Luke only has 11 days of school left! Hallelujah! We are both struggling and muddling through it, but pass or fail, it'll all be over in a week and a half.
Now onto the hard stuff. The being 34 weeks pregnant and unable to move properly kinda stuff. There's the not sleeping because I have to roll over every hour because my hips hurt and wake me up, and the peeing 5 or 6 times a night.
I may or may not have preeclampsia. Who really knows at this point. My blood pressure is low like 100/65. I have NO swelling at all in my hands, feet or face. But, I do have some protein in my urine and headaches strong enough to lay ya flat, and those fuzzy visions things called floaters because of the headaches, and crazy amounts of nausea. So it could be developing preeclampsia, or just weirdness that comes with the territory. They took some blood for testing and will continue to monitor my pee & blood pressure at each appointment and we'll just hafta see. One of my midwives told me to take extra strength tylenol, a sudafed, and drink a redbull and that should cut the headache. So not comfortable drinking a redbull and would never ever do that while I'm pregnant! Different strokes for different folks I guess. The point was caffeine. The only thing I like with caffeine is Sunkist. I'm a rebel, I know. So I have been guzzling that and eating chocolate and taking tylenol and it does help the headaches. But they always come right back and I inevitably have to do it all again.
I am still struggling with eating mostly because of the nausea. Pretty much anything I can keep down at this point. Some days I just have a couple of biscuits with butter for dinner, or some cheese and crackers. I have currently gained 12 pounds.
I lay down most of the day which hurts my hips and back. I LOVE LOVE LOVE laying flat on my back but I never dare do it for more than a minute or two because I feel like I'm killing my baby. I told Luke that maybe I wouldn't mind a c-section because then I would get to lay on my back for awhile!
I have gotten to the almost passing out when I shower stage. Not so fun. But since I am down to once a week now, Luke said, "Hey, you only have to do it 5 maybe 6 more times!" Always trying to look on the bright side. Oi with the poodles already!
Depression is currently manageable thanks to upping my dose. I am slowly getting things checked off my list. The "Things to do before baby gets here' list. Luke is helping a lot.
So that's about all for this week.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
So I am having a little bit of a breakdown right now. And since I can't really talk to Luke because he's so overwhelmed, I guess I'll have to put it down here.
I'm sick and always in pain. When I get so stressed like this I start having contractions until I can calm myself down and then they'll go away. I am so nauseated all the time and no food sounds good so I have kind of stopped eating. I eat just barely enough to survive and I'm losing weight.
I'm meant to be on bed rest, but I still have to drive Emma & Lilah to and from school. I still have to make lunch and dinner for everyone even if it's as simple as pb&j or snacks. I still have to get out of bed to do it. I still have to break up arguments and turn on shows. I help find toys and dry tears and try desperately not to feel so guilty that my kids are completely bored and I can't really do anything to help them have fun. The kitchen floor desperately needs to be swept and the carpets need to be vacuumed. I managed to get the laundry done a few days ago but almost passed out after. Luke will do the dishes every couple of days so I don't have to really worry about that unless we're out of cups or knives.
I shower once a week. It's gotten to the point where I can only do it if Luke is home so that if I feel like falling over, he can help me get out of the shower and get dressed. Not really a situation where you'd want outside help.
Currently the relief society is bringing in a meal on Tuesdays. It's nice because they ask what we want and it's always something we'll actually eat. And then Luke gets to take the leftovers to work for the rest of the week. Also, there are a few people that stop by and text me to make sure I am okay. They always ask if there is anything they can do, and I never have an answer for that.
Luke keeps telling me that his family is the most important thing, which I have no doubt about. But then I ask about work and he tells me he has a massive project due by the end of the month that he hasn't started yet because he has to do two other projects that are due before that. He still has classes to go to and tons of homework to do and finals to study for. He tells me to call if I need him and he'll come right home. I can't do that when clearly he needs to be at work to get his projects finished. And I can't say anything at night because then he won't do his homework.
My pride won't allow me to ask for more help from the ward. I cannot beg someone to sweep my floor. I would rather have it be dirty or hurt myself trying to do it. It would be different if someone said, "Arika I am coming over to sweep your floor tomorrow, when is a good time?"
So even though theoretically I can ask, I feel like I can't. I feel like I'm on my own. Drive myself to appointments and hope that I don't feel like passing out that day. My birthday is coming and I am unable to go anywhere or do anything. Luke will probably work the whole day because he has to and I will lay in my bed and stare out the window. Probably no one will come over or say anything. I may get a text or two and some facebook 'Happy Birthday' pity messages.
I don't know how to get through the next 7 weeks by myself. I guess I'll just do it.
I'm sick and always in pain. When I get so stressed like this I start having contractions until I can calm myself down and then they'll go away. I am so nauseated all the time and no food sounds good so I have kind of stopped eating. I eat just barely enough to survive and I'm losing weight.
I'm meant to be on bed rest, but I still have to drive Emma & Lilah to and from school. I still have to make lunch and dinner for everyone even if it's as simple as pb&j or snacks. I still have to get out of bed to do it. I still have to break up arguments and turn on shows. I help find toys and dry tears and try desperately not to feel so guilty that my kids are completely bored and I can't really do anything to help them have fun. The kitchen floor desperately needs to be swept and the carpets need to be vacuumed. I managed to get the laundry done a few days ago but almost passed out after. Luke will do the dishes every couple of days so I don't have to really worry about that unless we're out of cups or knives.
I shower once a week. It's gotten to the point where I can only do it if Luke is home so that if I feel like falling over, he can help me get out of the shower and get dressed. Not really a situation where you'd want outside help.
Currently the relief society is bringing in a meal on Tuesdays. It's nice because they ask what we want and it's always something we'll actually eat. And then Luke gets to take the leftovers to work for the rest of the week. Also, there are a few people that stop by and text me to make sure I am okay. They always ask if there is anything they can do, and I never have an answer for that.
Luke keeps telling me that his family is the most important thing, which I have no doubt about. But then I ask about work and he tells me he has a massive project due by the end of the month that he hasn't started yet because he has to do two other projects that are due before that. He still has classes to go to and tons of homework to do and finals to study for. He tells me to call if I need him and he'll come right home. I can't do that when clearly he needs to be at work to get his projects finished. And I can't say anything at night because then he won't do his homework.
My pride won't allow me to ask for more help from the ward. I cannot beg someone to sweep my floor. I would rather have it be dirty or hurt myself trying to do it. It would be different if someone said, "Arika I am coming over to sweep your floor tomorrow, when is a good time?"
So even though theoretically I can ask, I feel like I can't. I feel like I'm on my own. Drive myself to appointments and hope that I don't feel like passing out that day. My birthday is coming and I am unable to go anywhere or do anything. Luke will probably work the whole day because he has to and I will lay in my bed and stare out the window. Probably no one will come over or say anything. I may get a text or two and some facebook 'Happy Birthday' pity messages.
I don't know how to get through the next 7 weeks by myself. I guess I'll just do it.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
The date is set!!!
I got to pick my induction date a few days ago! It definitely helped out my funk a little to know there is an ending in sight and a plan set. Officially I will be 39 weeks on May 27th. But, the hated midwife is on call that day, and there's no way I want her. On the 28th, there is a midwife that I like so so that day, but it's Emma's dance festival. And while I would be just fine having a baby and watching it on camera (it's just one year right?), I would feel really bad if no one were there to support her. Because Luke would be with me, and I would never ask someone to take Will and Lilah, entertain them and get me a good video of Emma shakin her booty. Its just too much! So Thursday was kinda out too. But luckily, one of my favorite midwives is on call on Friday. She is newer to this practice, so I haven't seen her with my other babies, but I have seen her the most this pregnancy and I just love her.
So YAY! Baby's birthday will be Friday, May 29, 2015!
Some people think that I am crazy for planning so much, and I know something random could always happen...but pending something way out of the ordinary, I know my body. I know how things will go down. My labor literally never progresses unless my water has broken. I could be pumped full of pitocin and nothing happens until those waters flow. And my water has never broken spontaneously because it's thick. Like leather. They really have to work that crochet hook. Nice mental image huh? :)
I am desperately trying to get all appointments for the entire family cleared up now so that we don't HAVE to go anywhere until like August. I mean other than my biweekly and then weekly appointments. I hate those. But I also love them so I know baby is okay.
Lots of pain yesterday and contractions for a few hours last night. Feeling really rough this morning.
31 weeks now, still feels like forever to go. My mantra is: we just have to make it through April.
So YAY! Baby's birthday will be Friday, May 29, 2015!
Some people think that I am crazy for planning so much, and I know something random could always happen...but pending something way out of the ordinary, I know my body. I know how things will go down. My labor literally never progresses unless my water has broken. I could be pumped full of pitocin and nothing happens until those waters flow. And my water has never broken spontaneously because it's thick. Like leather. They really have to work that crochet hook. Nice mental image huh? :)
I am desperately trying to get all appointments for the entire family cleared up now so that we don't HAVE to go anywhere until like August. I mean other than my biweekly and then weekly appointments. I hate those. But I also love them so I know baby is okay.
Lots of pain yesterday and contractions for a few hours last night. Feeling really rough this morning.
31 weeks now, still feels like forever to go. My mantra is: we just have to make it through April.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Single Digits.
I have done it! I've crossed over into single digits! Hallelujah. I never thought it would come. The kids and I made a countdown today and decorated all the numbers. There are 63. That seems like a lot. But really, just two months. I am trying my very hardest to hang in there. Some days are better than others.
Even though I am 30 weeks, I am still measuring big last week I was at 32 weeks. My midwife said it's because baby is breech right now. She also said don't stress about it unless she hasn't moved by 36 weeks. So I'm not. Whatever. If I end up having to have a c-section, it is what it is. It was the way it was meant to be and I can't change it. What matters most is that in 9 weeks, I won't be pregnant anymore! I will be able to eat healthy things again. I will be able to walk without my insides killing me. I CANNOT WAIT!!!
It'll happen. Trying for patience.
Even though I am 30 weeks, I am still measuring big last week I was at 32 weeks. My midwife said it's because baby is breech right now. She also said don't stress about it unless she hasn't moved by 36 weeks. So I'm not. Whatever. If I end up having to have a c-section, it is what it is. It was the way it was meant to be and I can't change it. What matters most is that in 9 weeks, I won't be pregnant anymore! I will be able to eat healthy things again. I will be able to walk without my insides killing me. I CANNOT WAIT!!!
It'll happen. Trying for patience.
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Third Trimester.
I can't ever remember if the 3rd trimester starts at 28 weeks or 29...either way, I'm there.
Yeah, that week didn't go by any quicker. I think I'm treading into awful pregnancy territory. Not that the nausea, pain and doctor's visits have been a treat. It's more like the end of pregnancy where you're just done. With everything. The pain. The constant bathroom trips. Feeling light-headed every single time you get up. Still only being able to eat carbs. No sleeping. So hard to breathe. ETC.
Two days ago I must've gotten a fresh dose of pregnancy hormones. In all of 2 hours, I was angry, turned on, crying, frustrated, happy, and exhausted. Plus I got a batch of new zits on my face. That's always fun. My depression has gotten 10X worse which is always thanks to hormones. I feel like blowing off all of my commitments this week. And I just might. All I really want to do is find a rock to hide under and not tell anyone where I'm at. Sad huh?
As of today, I have gained 9 pounds. Still, not bad at all. But it seems like every time I see that scale increase, I die a little. I don't want to be gaining weight. I worked so hard to lose those 30 pounds and I don't want them back. I don't wanna start from square one just because I had a baby. And I know most women lose 15-20 pounds in the first week after baby is born, but even if I lose it that fast, my heart would break if I ever saw a number in the 260s again.The reasonable voice in my head is saying, "It's okay. It's all worth it for that baby girl, and you'll get back on top of things this summer. You have a plan." But the fat girl inside of me is screaming, "Don't make me lose those pounds all over again! Also, give me a cookie."
Uhhhhhhhhhh.
Can you tell I'm down? Life seems bleak.
Only 10 weeks left. Hopefully I can make it until then.
Yeah, that week didn't go by any quicker. I think I'm treading into awful pregnancy territory. Not that the nausea, pain and doctor's visits have been a treat. It's more like the end of pregnancy where you're just done. With everything. The pain. The constant bathroom trips. Feeling light-headed every single time you get up. Still only being able to eat carbs. No sleeping. So hard to breathe. ETC.
Two days ago I must've gotten a fresh dose of pregnancy hormones. In all of 2 hours, I was angry, turned on, crying, frustrated, happy, and exhausted. Plus I got a batch of new zits on my face. That's always fun. My depression has gotten 10X worse which is always thanks to hormones. I feel like blowing off all of my commitments this week. And I just might. All I really want to do is find a rock to hide under and not tell anyone where I'm at. Sad huh?
As of today, I have gained 9 pounds. Still, not bad at all. But it seems like every time I see that scale increase, I die a little. I don't want to be gaining weight. I worked so hard to lose those 30 pounds and I don't want them back. I don't wanna start from square one just because I had a baby. And I know most women lose 15-20 pounds in the first week after baby is born, but even if I lose it that fast, my heart would break if I ever saw a number in the 260s again.The reasonable voice in my head is saying, "It's okay. It's all worth it for that baby girl, and you'll get back on top of things this summer. You have a plan." But the fat girl inside of me is screaming, "Don't make me lose those pounds all over again! Also, give me a cookie."
Uhhhhhhhhhh.
Can you tell I'm down? Life seems bleak.
Only 10 weeks left. Hopefully I can make it until then.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
28 weeks, finally.
From week 27 to week 28 felt like an eternity.
Somewhere in there I went to labor & delivery, again. I came home seriously bent. I told Luke I was not going back again until it was baby time for real. I woke up one morning with some serious pelvic pressure. Totally used to that feeling, just not until like week 36, right. Called into my clinic, they said it's one of those symptoms you should never ignore, and scheduled me an appointment for 3pm. By noon it was bad. Lots of pain and so much pressure I thought baby was going to fall out. I called back and they told me to go directly to the hospital. I couldn't find anyone to watch my kids. I was hurting and called everyone I could coherently think of, and no one was answering. Probably cause it was me. So I called Luke and he came home from work early. Which meant $100 gone, cause that's not stressful at all. So off I went to the hospital, by myself. Luke was really upset that he couldn't go with me, that made me feel a little better. After a couple of hours and a seriously invasive test with a speculum and everything, they said that I had some bacteria in my urine and it was *probably* a UTI. No preterm labor, which is good.Yay. Not really.
So I got home and Luke took all the babies to the store to get my prescriptions (antibiotic and an oral pill for the yeast infection that will inevitably follow the antibiotic). And there all the kids hatched plans to escape him and drive the car home themselves. I guess waiting in Wal-mart for an hour was not their idea of a good time. He came home pretty frazzled. I took the pill which immediately made me nauseated. But the next morning the pressure was gone. Who knew that was a symptom of a UTI, not this girl.
My neighbors and ward family have been very sweet. Brought me dinner, had my kids over for a play date, and just checking up on me. On Sunday morning while Luke bathed the kids, I showered too. And I got out feeling ok. Usually I feel like passing out after showering. So we thought we would take advantage of all the clean people, and me feeling okay, and go to church for the first time in weeks. It felt so good to be there. It wasn't like a spiritual high, but just knowing we were where we needed to be, felt nice. Lots of discomfort and after sitting for 3 hours, my belly was in so much pain. I wanted to scream and find a spot on the floor to lay down on. But I waited for the last 10 minutes for RS to end and then went home to find my couch. It was good to go, but not something I think my body could handle every week.
Also, my sweet friend Linda who cuts hair at the MTC took pity on me and came to give me a haircut. She knew I couldn't afford to go to a salon right now and so she did it for free. I haven't had a haircut in 2 years. Luke gets haircuts every 2 months. I justify that because he has to look semi professional for his job and not having gross hair is part of that. But me, I am at home all day, there is no one I need to impress. So I don't because we can't afford it. Pity story over. So Linda cut my hair and did an amazing job. 7.5 inches gone! I felt light. Like a physical and emotional weight had been lifted. I can't even tell you how much I appreciate her right now!
When Luke got home yesterday we ate some dinner and took our kids out to enjoy the beautiful weather at the park. Between his school and me hurting so much, it really doesn't happen enough. We all had a good time. After the kids were in bed, Luke was meant to do homework. But he could tell I had a seriously dark cloud hovering around me. He tried to coax it out of me, but I didn't want to talk and take up his time. So he finally sat on the couch and said he wasn't doing any homework until I told him what was wrong. I said that was a low blow. And immature. And stinky. And then we both laughed. And I started to cry. It all spilled out. All of my fears and worries. I went on and on about how I felt unworthy. That no matter how much I did or accomplished, it still wasn't enough. I cried because I don't want other people to do things for me, and because I don't want to be on government assistance. I want to be able to handle things on my own. But at the same time, I'm so grateful that people are willing to help us. There's never enough money or time to go around. We are trying so hard to make a better life for ourselves. Paying off debt, trying hard to live within our means and Luke bettering his career and education. I just feel like no matter how hard we work, it's just not enough. That it will never be enough. He just held me while I bawled and tried to say hopeful comforting things.
I still feel the same this morning. Dark cloud. Incredibly worried. When is bedrest coming? How will we handle that? Crap, we have a bunch of newborn diapers but no size 1's. They switch over so quickly it seems, how could I have forgotten about that. Luke needs new jeans for work because no one will take him seriously if he's wearing jeans with holes in the knees. So so so glad he isn't required to wear suits. I need to wash my hair but I really don't give a crap. My family is so unhealthy right now. Lots of sugar. I should be juicing but I just can't find the motivation. Maybe that's why we are always so sick. People probably think 'Why are they having a 4th baby when they can't afford it?' We're just trying to do what the Lord wants us to. Which is so hard to explain sometimes when people don't get it. I wish that I had problem free pregnancies. This is my crazy thought process in all of 2 minutes.
Hopefully week 28-29 will be better. Just trying to take it a day at a time. Even if the only thing I do today is tell my husband and kids that I love them. That would be good enough. Right?
Somewhere in there I went to labor & delivery, again. I came home seriously bent. I told Luke I was not going back again until it was baby time for real. I woke up one morning with some serious pelvic pressure. Totally used to that feeling, just not until like week 36, right. Called into my clinic, they said it's one of those symptoms you should never ignore, and scheduled me an appointment for 3pm. By noon it was bad. Lots of pain and so much pressure I thought baby was going to fall out. I called back and they told me to go directly to the hospital. I couldn't find anyone to watch my kids. I was hurting and called everyone I could coherently think of, and no one was answering. Probably cause it was me. So I called Luke and he came home from work early. Which meant $100 gone, cause that's not stressful at all. So off I went to the hospital, by myself. Luke was really upset that he couldn't go with me, that made me feel a little better. After a couple of hours and a seriously invasive test with a speculum and everything, they said that I had some bacteria in my urine and it was *probably* a UTI. No preterm labor, which is good.Yay. Not really.
So I got home and Luke took all the babies to the store to get my prescriptions (antibiotic and an oral pill for the yeast infection that will inevitably follow the antibiotic). And there all the kids hatched plans to escape him and drive the car home themselves. I guess waiting in Wal-mart for an hour was not their idea of a good time. He came home pretty frazzled. I took the pill which immediately made me nauseated. But the next morning the pressure was gone. Who knew that was a symptom of a UTI, not this girl.
My neighbors and ward family have been very sweet. Brought me dinner, had my kids over for a play date, and just checking up on me. On Sunday morning while Luke bathed the kids, I showered too. And I got out feeling ok. Usually I feel like passing out after showering. So we thought we would take advantage of all the clean people, and me feeling okay, and go to church for the first time in weeks. It felt so good to be there. It wasn't like a spiritual high, but just knowing we were where we needed to be, felt nice. Lots of discomfort and after sitting for 3 hours, my belly was in so much pain. I wanted to scream and find a spot on the floor to lay down on. But I waited for the last 10 minutes for RS to end and then went home to find my couch. It was good to go, but not something I think my body could handle every week.
Also, my sweet friend Linda who cuts hair at the MTC took pity on me and came to give me a haircut. She knew I couldn't afford to go to a salon right now and so she did it for free. I haven't had a haircut in 2 years. Luke gets haircuts every 2 months. I justify that because he has to look semi professional for his job and not having gross hair is part of that. But me, I am at home all day, there is no one I need to impress. So I don't because we can't afford it. Pity story over. So Linda cut my hair and did an amazing job. 7.5 inches gone! I felt light. Like a physical and emotional weight had been lifted. I can't even tell you how much I appreciate her right now!
When Luke got home yesterday we ate some dinner and took our kids out to enjoy the beautiful weather at the park. Between his school and me hurting so much, it really doesn't happen enough. We all had a good time. After the kids were in bed, Luke was meant to do homework. But he could tell I had a seriously dark cloud hovering around me. He tried to coax it out of me, but I didn't want to talk and take up his time. So he finally sat on the couch and said he wasn't doing any homework until I told him what was wrong. I said that was a low blow. And immature. And stinky. And then we both laughed. And I started to cry. It all spilled out. All of my fears and worries. I went on and on about how I felt unworthy. That no matter how much I did or accomplished, it still wasn't enough. I cried because I don't want other people to do things for me, and because I don't want to be on government assistance. I want to be able to handle things on my own. But at the same time, I'm so grateful that people are willing to help us. There's never enough money or time to go around. We are trying so hard to make a better life for ourselves. Paying off debt, trying hard to live within our means and Luke bettering his career and education. I just feel like no matter how hard we work, it's just not enough. That it will never be enough. He just held me while I bawled and tried to say hopeful comforting things.
I still feel the same this morning. Dark cloud. Incredibly worried. When is bedrest coming? How will we handle that? Crap, we have a bunch of newborn diapers but no size 1's. They switch over so quickly it seems, how could I have forgotten about that. Luke needs new jeans for work because no one will take him seriously if he's wearing jeans with holes in the knees. So so so glad he isn't required to wear suits. I need to wash my hair but I really don't give a crap. My family is so unhealthy right now. Lots of sugar. I should be juicing but I just can't find the motivation. Maybe that's why we are always so sick. People probably think 'Why are they having a 4th baby when they can't afford it?' We're just trying to do what the Lord wants us to. Which is so hard to explain sometimes when people don't get it. I wish that I had problem free pregnancies. This is my crazy thought process in all of 2 minutes.
Hopefully week 28-29 will be better. Just trying to take it a day at a time. Even if the only thing I do today is tell my husband and kids that I love them. That would be good enough. Right?
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
27 weeks.
Baby is 2 lbs & 14.5 inches long! Yay! We're getting there. Only 12 weeks left.
So far, I have gained 7 lbs. Not too shabby.
Symptoms are still the same. Is it symptoms of late pregnancy? Or is it side effects? Either way, nausea, pain, depression, anxiety. They're all still here. Although, I have been on my medication for about 3 weeks now and I might be starting to feel a slight difference. Less really really low. So put that in the win column.
We had some drama the last few weeks, but I am so tired of relating it to doctors that we will just say this. An idiot midwife, who doesn't know how to measure fundal height, put me measuring at 31 weeks when I was 24.5 weeks. Then she didn't say a thing about my pain and blood tested me for some stomach disease - my stomach wasn't hurting. Whatever. Never gunna see her again. I would rather have a stranger deliver my baby. But, thanks to a super sweet midwife, the one who actually delivered Will, we got things cleared up. This is what I now know.
Cervix-isn't changing, so no preterm labor! Win. Pain-round ligament pain, yes it hurts me crazy badly and will only get worse, but it's not hurting baby which means I can deal. Win. Monitored baby's heartbeat for an hour, sounds perfect. Win. CBC & stupid stomach test - both came back completely normal, which I knew anyhow. Win for the dum dum. Glucose test which I took early because we were worried maybe I had gestational diabetes and that's why baby was bigger, came back completely normal. WIN! And finally, ultrasound. The surest way to know what is actually going on inside of you...normal. Baby is measuring just where she should be, which at the time was right on with 26 weeks 2 days. And, amniotic fluid is just the right amount as well. WIN! So in conclusion, I haven't had a massive weight gain, everything is completely the right size it should be, and a certain midwife will be getting no glowing recommendations from me. That's for sure. Healthy. Seriously, such a relief.
In other news, I had to go to the dentist yesterday, which I have never done while pregnant. Hands and tools in my mouth is not a great idea when I gag while just brushing my teeth. But, there was a cavity that was big and they were worried about. I have never had a root canal and desperately don't wanna start now. So I swallowed my vomit instincts and decided to have a good cleaning at the same time. My dentist is wonderful. In the 2 hours I was there, he let me get up to pee 3 times. And was so gentle with the anesthesia. Teeth cleaned and 2 cavities filled later I was super numbed up and shaky from the anesthesia. But I had to drive home so Luke could get to work. I walked outside to a blizzard that wasn't there when I went in. Snow everywhere and wind blowing hard. I drove home in an almost white out with shaking hands. So scary, but we made it safe and sound. 2 hours after that, there was no more snow. As in no more coming down and all the accumulation had completely melted. I felt like an idiot for freaking out. Today, my face hurts. Hurts to chew and move my jaw. I really hate dental work. Good thing I take pretty good care of my teeth and don't have to go often.
Does anyone else breathe a sigh of relief at 27 weeks? Because they say that at this point if you had your baby it would likely survive, with lots of medical help, but it would live. That's pretty incredible. I am so amazingly grateful that we have made it this far. I know so many women don't get that opportunity. Another 12 weeks? Sounds like a walk in the park. Ok not really, but we'll get through it. And be so happy we when get to officially meet our baby Gracie.
So far, I have gained 7 lbs. Not too shabby.
Symptoms are still the same. Is it symptoms of late pregnancy? Or is it side effects? Either way, nausea, pain, depression, anxiety. They're all still here. Although, I have been on my medication for about 3 weeks now and I might be starting to feel a slight difference. Less really really low. So put that in the win column.
We had some drama the last few weeks, but I am so tired of relating it to doctors that we will just say this. An idiot midwife, who doesn't know how to measure fundal height, put me measuring at 31 weeks when I was 24.5 weeks. Then she didn't say a thing about my pain and blood tested me for some stomach disease - my stomach wasn't hurting. Whatever. Never gunna see her again. I would rather have a stranger deliver my baby. But, thanks to a super sweet midwife, the one who actually delivered Will, we got things cleared up. This is what I now know.
Cervix-isn't changing, so no preterm labor! Win. Pain-round ligament pain, yes it hurts me crazy badly and will only get worse, but it's not hurting baby which means I can deal. Win. Monitored baby's heartbeat for an hour, sounds perfect. Win. CBC & stupid stomach test - both came back completely normal, which I knew anyhow. Win for the dum dum. Glucose test which I took early because we were worried maybe I had gestational diabetes and that's why baby was bigger, came back completely normal. WIN! And finally, ultrasound. The surest way to know what is actually going on inside of you...normal. Baby is measuring just where she should be, which at the time was right on with 26 weeks 2 days. And, amniotic fluid is just the right amount as well. WIN! So in conclusion, I haven't had a massive weight gain, everything is completely the right size it should be, and a certain midwife will be getting no glowing recommendations from me. That's for sure. Healthy. Seriously, such a relief.
In other news, I had to go to the dentist yesterday, which I have never done while pregnant. Hands and tools in my mouth is not a great idea when I gag while just brushing my teeth. But, there was a cavity that was big and they were worried about. I have never had a root canal and desperately don't wanna start now. So I swallowed my vomit instincts and decided to have a good cleaning at the same time. My dentist is wonderful. In the 2 hours I was there, he let me get up to pee 3 times. And was so gentle with the anesthesia. Teeth cleaned and 2 cavities filled later I was super numbed up and shaky from the anesthesia. But I had to drive home so Luke could get to work. I walked outside to a blizzard that wasn't there when I went in. Snow everywhere and wind blowing hard. I drove home in an almost white out with shaking hands. So scary, but we made it safe and sound. 2 hours after that, there was no more snow. As in no more coming down and all the accumulation had completely melted. I felt like an idiot for freaking out. Today, my face hurts. Hurts to chew and move my jaw. I really hate dental work. Good thing I take pretty good care of my teeth and don't have to go often.
Does anyone else breathe a sigh of relief at 27 weeks? Because they say that at this point if you had your baby it would likely survive, with lots of medical help, but it would live. That's pretty incredible. I am so amazingly grateful that we have made it this far. I know so many women don't get that opportunity. Another 12 weeks? Sounds like a walk in the park. Ok not really, but we'll get through it. And be so happy we when get to officially meet our baby Gracie.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
25 weeks.
That means I have 14 left. Yay! Its sounds so short and so long at the same time.
I had my check up last week and I was measuring a week ahead. I've been that way the whole time though. Even from the first ultrasound at 12 weeks, the baby was measuring 12 weeks 6 days. I have been wondering why my due date hasn't been changed when it seemed like with Emma they changed it at every appointment. Who knows.
Current symptoms:
Nausea - almost threw up this morning, that was a fun treat.Which means that my diet it semi-restricted at the moment to carbs and things that don't make me wanna hurl.
Pain - in my belly. Sometimes it feels like cramps, other times it feels like ligament pain. I woke up every 20 minutes last night because of the pain. I was really starting to panic and then it subsided around 4am.
Not sleeping - mostly because of the pain, sometimes because of bad dreams, sometimes I just wake up at 4:30am for no reason. Also, if I stay on one side too long, it makes that hip hurt and I have to roll over. I will often wake up on my back and panic not knowing how long I was there, and then quickly roll over.
Fatigue - from all the not sleeping. So tired. All the time.
Depression - from life. I feel like no one cares except my husband who wants to be there for me but is so busy trying to keep a roof over our heads and pass his classes that I am often left feeling very alone. I am taking the prozac, but it's only been a few days and usually takes a couple of weeks for me to feel any different.
Currently, I'm not focused on the end of this pregnancy. I am focused on Luke getting to the end of the semester. Which is precisely 2 months and 5 days away. Then we will have all of May to get our life in order before we welcome a new babe.
Baby weighs 1.5 pounds and is 13.5 inches long. Getting big!
I had my check up last week and I was measuring a week ahead. I've been that way the whole time though. Even from the first ultrasound at 12 weeks, the baby was measuring 12 weeks 6 days. I have been wondering why my due date hasn't been changed when it seemed like with Emma they changed it at every appointment. Who knows.
Current symptoms:
Nausea - almost threw up this morning, that was a fun treat.Which means that my diet it semi-restricted at the moment to carbs and things that don't make me wanna hurl.
Pain - in my belly. Sometimes it feels like cramps, other times it feels like ligament pain. I woke up every 20 minutes last night because of the pain. I was really starting to panic and then it subsided around 4am.
Not sleeping - mostly because of the pain, sometimes because of bad dreams, sometimes I just wake up at 4:30am for no reason. Also, if I stay on one side too long, it makes that hip hurt and I have to roll over. I will often wake up on my back and panic not knowing how long I was there, and then quickly roll over.
Fatigue - from all the not sleeping. So tired. All the time.
Depression - from life. I feel like no one cares except my husband who wants to be there for me but is so busy trying to keep a roof over our heads and pass his classes that I am often left feeling very alone. I am taking the prozac, but it's only been a few days and usually takes a couple of weeks for me to feel any different.
Currently, I'm not focused on the end of this pregnancy. I am focused on Luke getting to the end of the semester. Which is precisely 2 months and 5 days away. Then we will have all of May to get our life in order before we welcome a new babe.
Baby weighs 1.5 pounds and is 13.5 inches long. Getting big!
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
An Update & a Milestone Reached!!!
24 weeks!!! Yay!!! I'm not gunna lie, I wish it was more like 34 weeks, or even 39 weeks :)
My baby link says that last week (week 23-24) that baby has gained 4 ounces, and she now weighs 1 1/3 lbs. That's kind of a lot and probably explains why I have been so hungry lately! My weight gain as of this morning is at 3 lbs. Not too shabby. She's also about a foot long now.
As far as me, super hungry lately. Like want to eat 2 dinners hungry. Still haven't done that yet, I will usually eat dinner and then wait an hour and then have some fruit or popcorn, sometimes ice cream. And then I will tell myself I am done. Even if I still feel hungry after that, I won't eat because I know I have had enough.
Also, I must've just gotten a new dose of pregnancy hormones lately because it's showing up all over my face. My mood swings are crazy too, and I've been nauseated every morning for the last week.
Depression has been a super fun hurdle the last few weeks. I have tried everything to make it go away, and it's sticking around. And since all of my natural solutions don't work when I am pregnant I will be asking for an antidepressant at my next appointment on Thursday. I have though a lot about it. And even though I hate having to do it this early (3 1/2 months to go, when I usually wait until the last two months) I also need to be able to function for myself and my family. Having Luke do everything while I fall apart in a mess of tears and chocolate is not an option this time. He is struggling through this semester and his classes and needs to be able to focus on school as much as he can. And I have to be in a place mentally and emotionally where I can help him do that, as well as taking care of all the house and kids stuff as well as I can. So to sum up, antidepressants - don't like them, but I will take them when I feel like I need them.
Also new this last few weeks are the round ligament pains. The first time I had them (with Lilah) I thought I was miscarrying. Nothing could be that painful and not be hurting the baby. But with each child I have been assured, baby is fine, my body just hates me. It's that old lady uterus thing, hates to stretch out. But you'd think it would get easier with each baby since I'd already be stretched out...nope. I wear a super sexy belly belt that goes around the bottom and top of my belly with a big panel around my lower back. It is hawt. Not really, I feel like a whale. Right now, it just hurts to walk a lot. Like around Emma's school, the grocery store, that kind of thing. Soon, it will be bad at church, or around the house. Probably by like 30-35 weeks. Ah well. I knew what I was signing up for.
Okay, so now for the milestone. End on a happy note. This morning I was lying in bed and Luke and I were semi-waking up. He snuggled up to me and put his arm across me. And right away, I felt a bump. And not an inside one, and outside one. Being very careful not to shift around at all, I grabbed Luke's hand and put it on my belly. He felt her kick a couple of times! Gracie was saying hello to her daddy :) It was the first time I had ever felt her bump outside too. We were so happy! It never feels real to Luke until he can feel the baby. Such a happy Tuesday! :)
My baby link says that last week (week 23-24) that baby has gained 4 ounces, and she now weighs 1 1/3 lbs. That's kind of a lot and probably explains why I have been so hungry lately! My weight gain as of this morning is at 3 lbs. Not too shabby. She's also about a foot long now.
As far as me, super hungry lately. Like want to eat 2 dinners hungry. Still haven't done that yet, I will usually eat dinner and then wait an hour and then have some fruit or popcorn, sometimes ice cream. And then I will tell myself I am done. Even if I still feel hungry after that, I won't eat because I know I have had enough.
Also, I must've just gotten a new dose of pregnancy hormones lately because it's showing up all over my face. My mood swings are crazy too, and I've been nauseated every morning for the last week.
Depression has been a super fun hurdle the last few weeks. I have tried everything to make it go away, and it's sticking around. And since all of my natural solutions don't work when I am pregnant I will be asking for an antidepressant at my next appointment on Thursday. I have though a lot about it. And even though I hate having to do it this early (3 1/2 months to go, when I usually wait until the last two months) I also need to be able to function for myself and my family. Having Luke do everything while I fall apart in a mess of tears and chocolate is not an option this time. He is struggling through this semester and his classes and needs to be able to focus on school as much as he can. And I have to be in a place mentally and emotionally where I can help him do that, as well as taking care of all the house and kids stuff as well as I can. So to sum up, antidepressants - don't like them, but I will take them when I feel like I need them.
Also new this last few weeks are the round ligament pains. The first time I had them (with Lilah) I thought I was miscarrying. Nothing could be that painful and not be hurting the baby. But with each child I have been assured, baby is fine, my body just hates me. It's that old lady uterus thing, hates to stretch out. But you'd think it would get easier with each baby since I'd already be stretched out...nope. I wear a super sexy belly belt that goes around the bottom and top of my belly with a big panel around my lower back. It is hawt. Not really, I feel like a whale. Right now, it just hurts to walk a lot. Like around Emma's school, the grocery store, that kind of thing. Soon, it will be bad at church, or around the house. Probably by like 30-35 weeks. Ah well. I knew what I was signing up for.
Okay, so now for the milestone. End on a happy note. This morning I was lying in bed and Luke and I were semi-waking up. He snuggled up to me and put his arm across me. And right away, I felt a bump. And not an inside one, and outside one. Being very careful not to shift around at all, I grabbed Luke's hand and put it on my belly. He felt her kick a couple of times! Gracie was saying hello to her daddy :) It was the first time I had ever felt her bump outside too. We were so happy! It never feels real to Luke until he can feel the baby. Such a happy Tuesday! :)
Friday, February 6, 2015
Finally a Picture!
I told myself that even if I only ended up taking one pregnancy photo of myself the entire time, that at least I would have one. Time to check that off the preggers list. This is the belly at 23 weeks. And baby Gracie is floating around in there some where.
I am starting to feel her move more and more. But it's not what I would expect. Instead of kicks, its more rumblings, like she's rolling over or something. I am just glad I am feeling stuff now!
I am starting to feel her move more and more. But it's not what I would expect. Instead of kicks, its more rumblings, like she's rolling over or something. I am just glad I am feeling stuff now!
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Healthy or Unhealthy?
Perhaps a bit of both.
This is the first pregnancy that I have actually realized that it's not just my health that goes down hill when I get pregnant. It's the entire family. Everyone eats more boxed, fast food, and processed foods because mama is always so tired and daddy is so busy. I juice less, sometimes not at all. I prepare less fruits and veggies, because they don't always sound so good to me. I am doing better this time around, juicing sometimes, eating a salad here and there, kicking up the proteins, and trying to consume lots of fruits.
Luke came to me a few days ago and said that he really wants to lose some weight. It broke my heart to say that I can't help. I can't put that extra pressure on myself to change the way we are eating and cooking. I can't do it for me and I can't do it for him, not right now. But if I want to stay halfway sane, and not depressed (I've been doing really really well!) I need to know my limits, and right now, while pregnant, this is far far outside my capacity. So I told him good luck and that I will do what I can this summer. Personally, I think with all the stresses he is dealing with with classes, homework, work projects and family life and baby stuff, I really don't think he needs one more thing to worry about. This summer we can get back on track. He won't be in school and I won't be pregnant anymore. Plus I need to move more and get out in the sunshine to help with my PPD as well. If he can just make it through this semester, we will all be better for it.
So to sum up, we are pretty unhealthy right now. Treats, carbs, delicious sauces. But we are also trying to be healthy as well. And that's really all we can do for now.
* Still doing great with my weight gain. This morning I was back down to 240, which means no gain so far. And I am 23 weeks in! Booyah! Feeling so good.
This is the first pregnancy that I have actually realized that it's not just my health that goes down hill when I get pregnant. It's the entire family. Everyone eats more boxed, fast food, and processed foods because mama is always so tired and daddy is so busy. I juice less, sometimes not at all. I prepare less fruits and veggies, because they don't always sound so good to me. I am doing better this time around, juicing sometimes, eating a salad here and there, kicking up the proteins, and trying to consume lots of fruits.
Luke came to me a few days ago and said that he really wants to lose some weight. It broke my heart to say that I can't help. I can't put that extra pressure on myself to change the way we are eating and cooking. I can't do it for me and I can't do it for him, not right now. But if I want to stay halfway sane, and not depressed (I've been doing really really well!) I need to know my limits, and right now, while pregnant, this is far far outside my capacity. So I told him good luck and that I will do what I can this summer. Personally, I think with all the stresses he is dealing with with classes, homework, work projects and family life and baby stuff, I really don't think he needs one more thing to worry about. This summer we can get back on track. He won't be in school and I won't be pregnant anymore. Plus I need to move more and get out in the sunshine to help with my PPD as well. If he can just make it through this semester, we will all be better for it.
So to sum up, we are pretty unhealthy right now. Treats, carbs, delicious sauces. But we are also trying to be healthy as well. And that's really all we can do for now.
* Still doing great with my weight gain. This morning I was back down to 240, which means no gain so far. And I am 23 weeks in! Booyah! Feeling so good.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Oh, What's in a name?
So I believe we have settled on a name for our little one! Yay! I love getting that figured out for a few reasons.
1. Because then it's done. No more fighting over names. No more me thinking I have the final say because I'm in charge of the birth certificate, or Luke thinking that he is because he does the baby blessing. :) We don't have to worry about when baby comes out and looks different, because we only ever pick names that feel right to us. So we know we're good.
2. I have a really hard time bonding with my babies in utero. Sometimes its because of sickness or depression, or pain, sometimes it's just because. I think it's not REAL until baby is out and tangible. Sidenote: Luke and I were actually discussing when people don't find out and it's a big surprise and both of us said that's just not for us. I feel like once I have a gender, then I can finalize a name. Then we all start calling the baby by that name and by the time it comes out, that baby feels like they have always been part of our family. It's just part of my process. Helps me feel closer to baby.
3. And finally, once your name is picked, people are less likely to be contributing "helpful" suggestions and family names that you would prefer to stay on a pedigree chart. :)
So here it is. Our name pick for baby number 4......
Every time I say it, I love it more and more. Here's why we picked it.
Grace, because it's the one name that both Luke and I absolutely loved. I just said it one day and he was all, yeah, I really like that. Because Grace sounds like an adult grown up name. We will call her Gracie which is so adorable for a little girl, and she can switch to simply Grace anytime she wants.
Also, because grace just fits this situation perfectly. When I think of the word grace, I think of Christ, tender mercies, forgiveness, mercy, elegance, refined, blessed. How long we waited for a baby, grace. The timing of how everything was meant to work out, grace. Thinking we had a boy coming, only to realize we were expecting our sweet baby girl first, grace. There are just so many feelings and blessings associated with this name. And we know without a doubt, Grace is her name.
So we had her first name picked out, and were searching for a middle name. For me, middle names should be full of meaning. There were many names we liked and sounded okay, but none that meant anything to us. So we started looking for the family names. There aren't many names on my side that I love, but I really like Lee and have always wanted to use it. But Grace Lee, it doesn't work well and sounds like Gracelee. And on Luke's side, with all of those nieces and nephews, most of the family names have been used several times. Jennings (William's middle name) is one of those, but we used it because it was really important to Luke. My SIL Jennie, her middle name is Rebecca.
Let me just say, we adore Jennie. She was the sibling that Luke gravitated towards. They spent a lot of time together in high school. She was kind to him and didn't treat him like an annoying little brother. They had a lot of fun. And I have been impressed with Jennie and JC (her hubby) ever since Luke and I were dating and they invited me to their house and made me an amazing filet. They are incredible people. They've raised their children to be gracious, beautiful, kind and loving people. Luke and I both hope to raise our children half as good as they have raised theirs. Deciding to use Rebecca was an easy choice for us. A name filled with meaning.
So there you have it. A super long post about our baby girl's name. We love her already. And the kids are super excited to meet Baby Gracie :)
1. Because then it's done. No more fighting over names. No more me thinking I have the final say because I'm in charge of the birth certificate, or Luke thinking that he is because he does the baby blessing. :) We don't have to worry about when baby comes out and looks different, because we only ever pick names that feel right to us. So we know we're good.
2. I have a really hard time bonding with my babies in utero. Sometimes its because of sickness or depression, or pain, sometimes it's just because. I think it's not REAL until baby is out and tangible. Sidenote: Luke and I were actually discussing when people don't find out and it's a big surprise and both of us said that's just not for us. I feel like once I have a gender, then I can finalize a name. Then we all start calling the baby by that name and by the time it comes out, that baby feels like they have always been part of our family. It's just part of my process. Helps me feel closer to baby.
3. And finally, once your name is picked, people are less likely to be contributing "helpful" suggestions and family names that you would prefer to stay on a pedigree chart. :)
So here it is. Our name pick for baby number 4......
Every time I say it, I love it more and more. Here's why we picked it.
Grace, because it's the one name that both Luke and I absolutely loved. I just said it one day and he was all, yeah, I really like that. Because Grace sounds like an adult grown up name. We will call her Gracie which is so adorable for a little girl, and she can switch to simply Grace anytime she wants.
Also, because grace just fits this situation perfectly. When I think of the word grace, I think of Christ, tender mercies, forgiveness, mercy, elegance, refined, blessed. How long we waited for a baby, grace. The timing of how everything was meant to work out, grace. Thinking we had a boy coming, only to realize we were expecting our sweet baby girl first, grace. There are just so many feelings and blessings associated with this name. And we know without a doubt, Grace is her name.
So we had her first name picked out, and were searching for a middle name. For me, middle names should be full of meaning. There were many names we liked and sounded okay, but none that meant anything to us. So we started looking for the family names. There aren't many names on my side that I love, but I really like Lee and have always wanted to use it. But Grace Lee, it doesn't work well and sounds like Gracelee. And on Luke's side, with all of those nieces and nephews, most of the family names have been used several times. Jennings (William's middle name) is one of those, but we used it because it was really important to Luke. My SIL Jennie, her middle name is Rebecca.
Let me just say, we adore Jennie. She was the sibling that Luke gravitated towards. They spent a lot of time together in high school. She was kind to him and didn't treat him like an annoying little brother. They had a lot of fun. And I have been impressed with Jennie and JC (her hubby) ever since Luke and I were dating and they invited me to their house and made me an amazing filet. They are incredible people. They've raised their children to be gracious, beautiful, kind and loving people. Luke and I both hope to raise our children half as good as they have raised theirs. Deciding to use Rebecca was an easy choice for us. A name filled with meaning.
So there you have it. A super long post about our baby girl's name. We love her already. And the kids are super excited to meet Baby Gracie :)
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